Stronger…?

Tags

dating, depression, ex, single life, the ex factor, unrealistic expectations

Through the years I’ve had on again/off again depression. I know the signs of an oncoming bout. But I don’t know how to stop it.
I hate medication, it hinders my brain function too much. Often I find when I’m depressed my creativity level goes up, but I hate the side effects – no sleep or bad sleep, spontaneous crying, inability to focus (like ADHD on steroids), and the constant fear of failure.
I know my job doesn’t help, and I’m trying to change that, but it’s definitely not easy or fast.
It also doesn’t help knowing that each payday comes and goes and I’m no better off than I was.
I’m not hiding – I am showing up for work, I’m volunteering, I’m going to family functions…but it all feels forced. I feel like something is missing, and the problem is this morning I find myself justifying why my ex isn’t so bad.
That’s when I knew I had a problem.
On paper, he’s my perfect match. Funny, easy going, loves animals like I do (there is a difference between “loves animals” and “like I do”), likes and has tattoos, very tall, and overall a big teddy bear.
But the negatives….he’s possessive, he’s a cleptomaniac, he has no regard for responsibilities, he’s satisfied making no money but wants all the newest, latest and greatest gadgets and toys (and used my money to do it). 
The negatives do not out weigh the positives, not anymore. I justified it for a long time, but I want more out of life. He seemed perfectly content to just exist.
It’s hard to remind myself of those facts, but just typing it out helped. I want, expect and deserve much more than being treated like just a possession.
Let’s hope that’s enough to keep me going.

Blah! Blahblah blah! Blah!!

Tags

dating, online dating, single forever, single life

Is it just me, or does anyone else get extremely irritated by the overuse of exclamation points?
I see no reason for it. It honestly makes me think that in person everything they say is excessively loud and they have an uber hyper personality.
Granted, maybe I’m overly formal in my use of punctuation. However, to me, an excessive use of exclamation points is a turn off.
I’m going to be single forever, huh?

[Lightbulb]

Tags

dating, friends with benefits, single life

I just realized why I haven’t wanted to be around, or even converse with, my FWB… He’s an asshole.
He’s rude, stuck up, and full of himself. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always known we’d never have a relationship, but it’s nice to know my subconscious has finally kicked in and said “drop him like a hot potato”.
Maybe my brain is working!

I suck

Tags

dating, flirting, single life, sucking at flirting

At flirting.

Is that what you thought I was going to say?
But it’s so true! I don’t know what’s wrong with me! Granted, I’ve been so busy finding myself that I haven’t given much attention to dating, but sheesh, I can’t even flirt without overthinking it!

Cute guy at the auto parts store, cute guy adopting a puppy, cute guy at the pet store…I have NO idea if they were flirting or not. So I assume no, because I’m fat, and move on. But even if they were flirting, I still want a guy to be the one to ask me out. Just once. That would be awesome.

How are your lives going?

Friends, with benefits

Tags

being single, dating, lonely, online dating, single life, unrequited love

So, I have a FWB. He and I get along surprisingly well, for the most part.

Until recently.

I am tired of our “relationship”. Not him, but the situation. I want to date someone. Be someone’s girlfriend (actually, a very specific someone’s girlfriend). But that’s not happening right now. But somehow just the thought of hanging out with my FWB makes me feel like I’m cheating on said person that I’m not even in a relationship with.

Am I crazy?

I’m feeling a little crazy.

I want the closeness of a boyfriend (or girlfriend). It doesn’t help that my few single friends are starting to get engaged, and my already married friends are working on (or just had) baby  #2. 

I’m also afraid to start actually dating again. While I normally enjoy it, I don’t want to end up in a situation where it will only be a one night thing, or another FWB thing. I’m not sure why I can’t find someone who really just wants to date, where “hang out” means hang out, not have sex.

I completely just lost my train of thought. It’s been a really rough past few weeks, and the next few are going to by busy as shit. But that’s a good thing – the busier I am, the less time I have to think about being lonely.

Am I heartless?

Tags

Boston marathon, tragedy

I have an odd mixture of feelings this week. Considering it’s only Tuesday, something’s really off.

I am completely disgusted at what ever idiot thought that bombing the Boston Marathon was a good idea. I am so angry. Why? Just why?

I get the feeling that it was a domestic terrorist – some jackass who got miffed at some perceived slight. Kind of like these dumbasses who think it’s appropriate to shoot up a school because “mommy didn’t love me enough” or “my girlfriend broke up with me”. People, my father is a convicted child molester - you don’t see me out shooting up schools, or blowing people up do you? Grow the fuck up. They are the lowest of the low; I wish we had a way to weed them out early in life. And don’t tell me there aren’t signs to point you to the ones who might do this shit in the future. There are.

But also come feelings of disgust when I find out a random citizen tackled a man who is here as a student – he just happens to originally be from Saudi Arabia. You’re telling me, out of the ENTIRE group of people running for their lives, in total and utter chaos, you tackle the one person who isn’t a “standard” American. If I’m not mistaken, people travel from all over the world just to be in these crazy marathons. So, pray tell, what the fuck you were thinking random citizen? Your first thought is to tackle an injured person because of his skin color instead of helping the people WHO LOST LIMBS. I can honestly say my first thought would not have been to look for a culprit, it would’ve been to assist where I could or get the fuck out of the way.

Granted, I may be wrong. I can only read little bits and pieces regarding the tragedy without getting so pissed off I have to stop. I refuse to watch video. It makes me sick to my stomach, just like reading about all the people who stopped to tweet or Facebook instead of getting out of the fucking way or helping.

I hide my grief in anger, I’m aware of that. Anger is second nature to me, and is so much easier to process. However, that doesn’t mean that my heart doesn’t go out to those poor people, to everyone involved. I hope we find out why this happened, so there is closure. I, for one, would like an explanation. And justice.

What I Want

Tags

dating, dating expectations, single, single life

I want a man who loves animals like I do, and doesn’t/wouldn’t hesitate to pick one up on the side of the road.

I want a gamer, but one who can enjoy reality too.

I want a man with tattoos. Piercings optional.

I want someone who will challenge me to think outside the box.

Ideally he would be a reader or writer, or at least have a love for the written word.

I want him to be passionate, and have compassion.

I want to be attracted to him for his looks and his personality.

I want someone confident enough in himself that I can still be my own person without getting jealous.

He must be OK with public displays of affection, like hand holding. And enjoy physical closeness without it always being about sex.

He MUST be open minded. No racism, bigotry or hatred of any other based on color, religion, or sexual orientation (etc). He must be able to see both sides if a story, but not limited in his beliefs to never change or accept others.

It has been over a year and a half since my relationship folded. I have learned I can do amazing things when I put my mind to it, and that I can even do some of them alone.

What I want now is someone to appreciate the world with me. But he’s proving more elusive than I ever imagined.

Am I expecting too much?

Well, whatever

Tags

bored, dating, dating depression, dating slump, online dating, single life

So I’ve been absent for a long while. Is it because something awesomely wonderful happened?

Of course not.

Same shit, different day, every day.

It is so hard to be optimistic when there are no choices. And I’m wrong in saying that, because I have choices, they just don’t excite me. I was talking to a guy for a few days, maybe even a week, and then incidentally he purposely misconstrued a conversation and disappointed one of my friends. Not just a friend, the friend. The one guy that we never seem to be single at the same time. But guess what?

We are now.

However, I don’t know if it will ever go anywhere. Sometimes he seems to genuinely care, other times like he’s just putting up with me. He is under a massive amount of stress right now, and I know I get cagey when I’m uber stressed. I’m keeping it light, trying to help keep him smiling, because in the end he is a friend first and foremost.

But back to the other guy…I liked talking to him, but he got too clingy too fast. Maybe he felt a connection that I didn’t. That’s why a lot of times I don’t even answer guys I’m not attracted to, because I end up feeling like this. Sometimes I just want someone to have a decent conversation with, not feel like they are boxing me in.

But part of me is beginning to wonder if my “holdout” for my guy, or holding out for what I want, is starting to get in the way of reality. I’m just not sure. I don’t want to settle for someone who is less than what I want. I want it all, and for me, my all is different than most. I want someone like me. A few differences are fine, but I can’t even seem to nail two or three. It’s disheartening.

However, I do think I finally realized why I can be comfortable around married men, or men in committed relationships – they’re safe. They are off the market, and I can be myself and not worry about it. There’s no pressure. But heaven forbid get me in front of a single guy and it all goes downhill. I don’t think I’ve always been like this, and I wish I could stop it. It sucks.

Despite my dating depression and hesitation, it still doesn’t mean I’m going to go out with the “are you busy tonight” guys. Seriously? Grow the fuck up. I work a real job for a living, I’m busy every night. Be a man, ask me out, don’t ask me for a hookup.

Don’t be an asshole

Tags

dating, dating lies, lies, online dating

Just don’t. It’s not necessary, nor funny, nor does it make me want to sleep with you. 
Oh, and don’t fuck with my friends. That makes me angry.
Trust me, you don’t want me angry at you.

Dear Sir

Tags

dating, dating profiles, online dating, single, single life

Are you fucking kidding me? Did you really just send me a message that sounded like a spam email?

Of course you did, because you aren’t original. And since I’m not in the military, calling me Sir is not a compliment. There was no need to include your phone number.

Next please.

By the by, I read an article by the authors of The Rules…updated for modern dating methods. If that really is what guys want I think I’ll stay single. Or become a lesbian. Except women are crazy. Woo hoo, old cat lady life for me!!