Contemplating the How

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Now that I’m no longer in high school, I’ve often wondered how to approach someone you have a crush on, when you aren’t sure it’s reciprocated, you have mutual friends, and you have to see each other daily. I almost feel like saying something outright, like, hey, I have a crush on you, so that’s why I act weird around you all the time….I just wanted to get that out there, thanks for listening. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, and then just deal. I can easily avoid him until it’s no longer awkward, but if we’re as good as friends as I think we are it wouldn’t matter one way or another.
Then again, I question why I’m even considering this at all when I still technically have a boyfriend, even though he knows I’m not happy and we talk A LOT about why.
I keep hoping I wake up one morning and have the perfect solution, but obviously that hasn’t happened yet. So off to bed, to sleep another sleep and live another day.

You’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch

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For some reason that song is stuck in my head. And today I was actually the good employee!! It is amazing what we put ourselves through, when the thought keeps running through my head – we only life once.
What if we don’t get a second chance? What if these years we’re moving through are the only ones? The older I get the more I appreciate that fact. The longer you sit idly the longer you’ll regret not talking to that guy/guy, not buying that thing for yourself, not expressing who you really are.
I’m not asking for a lot – I’m asking for all of you to take a step back and realize we are but tiny flecks of dust floating on a boiling rotating rock.

On that note, I ate lunch with my crush today. Accidentally, mind you, and in reality I only sat next to him. But in the end, we were talking while occupying the same space. Worth it? Worth it.

Quickie

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Just a quick post…
Today was so hard to get through, but I made it. And for some reason had to fight an overwhelming feeling of just wanting to tell everyone that I have a crush. It’s hard not to on a regular basis, but I think the stress is getting to me. I made it all the way with out screwing up, and thankfully it’s the weekend so no chance for slip ups.
Monday is an entirely different story.

On a roll

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Writing right before bed seems to be helping. While I’m still depressed I feel less urgent about it, a little less angry. This is partially why I started blogging in the first place.
Tonight’s topic is my work crush. Today another new girl started, and this time she’s gorgeous AND smart. And without a wedding or engagement ring. Not that that means much these days, but for the single guys at the office it promotes immediate interest. She’s nice, too, did I mention that?
So needless to say the later the day gets the more I obsess over someone I have ABSOLUTELY NO CLAIM TO, and really shouldn’t even be thinking about. The problem is this issue was present for a lot longer than a few months. Being able to see him daily makes it worse, even though he doesn’t look anything like I pictured, nor like my usual type. I keep telling myself I know nothing about him, not really, what if he’s a horrible person? What if he doesn’t like animals (and I have them)? What if, what if, what if…
The only thing keeping me from asking him anything is the fact that I have a boyfriend. Regardless of how unhappy I am, I don’t want to be that person that starts a relationship before the first ended. And yet I fear I will never know the truth – the last time I waited like this it ended up being too late, and now we live across the country from each other, and never had that chance to learn if we really could be good together. 
So what do I do? Tell myself to let go? Actually ask the questions I want to ask? It would be a relief to hear he doesn’t think of me like that at all, because then I don’t have to worry about complications.  I could go on with my plan and let it play out, without fear that I’m making the same mistake all over again.
And I really don’t want to resort to asking other people questions, as much as I want to. I don’t want the gossip, and I want to be respectful of his privacy.
Tomorrow’s another day. We’ll see how it plays out. You never know what tomorrow will bring.

I just need to stop talking

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Why does everyone take everything so personally? If you know you’ve made someone angry, back away! If someone is having a bad day, see if you can help. If you can’t, walk away!
It never ceases to amaze me how sensitive people are, and yet how unwilling they are to accept their own flaws. I get frustrated, yes, and that makes my answers short. However, I could say what I really think, which I’m sure is not the preferred choice.
What makes me so frustrated? The blatant lack of caring, and driving of one’s own agenda instead of for the greater good. And we can’t forget the people who ask and ask and ask, and yet never seem to retain the answers. If you don’t really want to know the answers, stop asking and let someone else handle it. If you truly want to know and learn, take notes. Pay attention when someone is talking to you. Don’t assume someone else will always cover for you. And never assume you are perfect. Not a single person is perfect.
So now I’m frustrated that I’m not allowed to be frustrated. I’m pretty sure other people get frustrated too. Do they get chastised too?
The only solution I can come up with is to just stop talking to people unless it’s task orientated, and when I get frustrated walk away. Or if it’s in a meeting I’ll just stop talking. I honestly can’t find another solution. And what am I supposed to do when people come talk to me? Lie? Ignore them? Tell them to go away, I’m busy? Oh but then I’m not helpful, and I’m too busy for them.
Is it just me? Am I thinking about this all wrong? How do other people handle frustration?
My last thought is that it’s always one person who sets out to hate someone else. Can I avoid them? No. Especially when they happen to be the ones that usually irritate me the most. The reason I didn’t become a teacher is because I know I don’t have the patience. But in a place of business I assume there should be a level of competence; and yet again I’m proven wrong.
My goal? Stop talking. I don’t know what I need to do to remind myself of that. But I can say it just makes me that much more depressed, knowing I have to hide behind a curtain so I don’t hurt other people’s overly sensitive feelings.

Hard to say it’s over, but when is it really over?

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How do you know, for sure, your relationship is over? Is it when you fight more than converse, complain more than usual, or when that feeling just isn’t there anymore?
What if it’s one sided? What if the girl wants to go but the guy wants her to stay? What if her way of life is dependent upon him? Do you wait until things are “better”? Is that really fair to either person?
At some point do we realize life is short and we deserve to be happy? Is it fair to only be partially happy, to live to be able to get away every day?
I get the feeling I know the answer. I may not like it, but I do. I think we all do.
Now it’s just a matter of making that leap and dealing with the consequences.

Looking back and looking ahead

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I know it’s been a long time since I’ve posted here, and some of my past followers have probably moved on. And that’s ok – life goes on.
I’ve endured some pretty hefty self-inflicted changes this year and I’m OH-so-glad I did. I found my self confidence, and it got me a good job.
So, finally, a good job, a great house, a boyfriend, and my animals all survived the move. So why do I feel so defeated? I leave work and it feels like I’m accomplishing nothing. My boyfriend is just irritating, and all I want to do is sleep.
I’m pretty sure it’s called depression, and in wondering why in the hell is this rearing it’s ugly head now? I have everything I’ve wanted for a long time, but now that I’m here I still want more. I expect more. Bigger and better and greater. And every little thing sets me off, especially where my boyfriend is concerned. His incessant whining is bugging the piss out of me, to the point where I just don’t want to talk to him. I am exhausted; why do I want to listen to how much you hate your job for various reasons I’ve heard 500 times. What happened to all the meaningful conversations we used to have? Sure the move and stuff was a big deal, but it’s over. Time to move on.
I think I resent myself because I waited so long to do this, and now I’ve tied myself to someone, at least in the short term. I get a new start, but brought someone with me, someone with baggage who already had habits that irritate me.
I know this is stress and depression talking, I really do. I just need to vent it so I don’t explode. I hope it’s enough.

How soon is too soon?

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How long do you try to make something work? How soon is too soon to admit defeat? What is such a dealbreaker that in less than four months I want to jump ship?
I think I went in too fast and now I’m freaking out. And part of it is that we are so completely different in some aspects that I spend more time irritated than I do happy lately. You’re 30 years old, you shouldn’t be sleeping through alarms anymore. If you’re sick you should go to the doctor and actually take the medicine they give you. If you have an obligation, meet it. Don’t sleep through it. Don’t let yourself get so distracted that you just assume everything is going to be ok.
Ultimately I think I’m worried that this is just another man child. I spent 7 years having to put up with one. I finally get a chance to be myself, and low and behold I go for the same thing. One of my friends tried to convince me that sometimes you just have to put up with certain things…but to me, if it’s something as fundamental as the standard I hold myself to, I don’t know if I can compromise.
Sometimes I feel like I’m being too picky, but at the same time I don’t think I should have to always follow up behind someone to make sure they’re on time, they’re awake, or that they’ve paid bills or done their job correctly. I do that enough at work; I’d like to think my significant other could handle shit on their own.
I don’t know. Maybe I’m trying to talk myself out of it. Maybe I am being too picky. But I almost think I’d rather be alone than have to babysit another adult in any capacity. I don’t want children, so why would I continue to put up with a 30 year old child?

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