What is happiness?

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Really, what is? Who decides? In the end, only we can decide our own happiness.
Today I realized what is NOT my happiness: hanging out with people just because I miss my friends. I may never be real friends with these people, they haven’t proven anything. In the end, it’s really just wasting my time and money. The occasional hang out, sure, but weekly is a little much.
I really, truly, deeply, miss my friends. They were my rocks. We didn’t always hang out and didn’t always talk, but when we did it’s as if nothing changed.
I can’t reach out and touch them anymore. I can’t just call up and say hey let’s have dinner. Nope. I call and hope they answer, and have enough time to talk. And what do I do in my spare time? Desperately try to plug the holes in my life with people who just don’t fit. I don’t know why I do this to myself. It’s almost like dating – you keep trying and keep trying but in the end, why bother forcing something that doesn’t work.
Readers, depression sucks. I recognize that is where I am right now, but I am at a loss as to how to break the cycle. I need to be with people like me, animal people, who just don’t give a shit about how I sound or what I say or what my day job is – they just care about how I treat the animals, and once they figure out I’m in it for the long haul it’s all A OK.
But instead I ruin a chance, because of an impulse of the one person I did have here, and now I’m lost. Completely lost. In a place so much bigger than I’m used to why is it so hard to find somewhere to belong?
Because in the end, we only all want to belong somewhere.

Am I ready?

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Am I really ready to do this? Am I really ready to face going forward alone, to start the search yet again?
Sometimes it seems exciting, meeting new people, learning new things, trying new things. But the flip side is what I don’t want to deal with – the feelings that are one sided, phone calls/texts never returned. Being ridiculed and/or ignored. Being judged before we’ve ever even spoken.
But in the end, what really matters? My happiness, and the well being of those in my care. I need to quit holding other’s needs above my own. I need to focus, really focus, on who I am, what I want, and why I refuse to settle.
And who knows, maybe that path means I’ll be alone. But at least I’ll be happy.

I don’t want to fall in love anymore

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I know this feeling will pass, but I hate this. I hate having to choose. Why do I do this? Why do I hurt people? Why am I so flawed?
The worst part is knowing I hurt him when he didn’t deserve to be hurt. He was just being himself, and I can’t live with that.
I think I might need counseling again. I think my scars run deeper than I’ve ever wanted to believe, and it colors every thing I do.
The next little while will be awkward, but in the end I know it was the right thing to do.
Sometimes life sucks, and love just isn’t worth it.

Tick tock says the clock

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A solution is in sight. Plans need to be made and pushed right to the edge of go.
So close, yet so far. So much courage needed to render so much heartbreak, it feels like an oxymoron.
When should I do it? What should I say? Do I try to have control or do I just let it all out?
Do I choose the shortest amount of words and walk away?
Almost there.

Answers? Why, yes please!

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Found this little gem today, check it out:
http:// http://thoughtcatalog.com/christine-stockton/2014/09/15-ways-you-know-youre-finally-dating-a-gentleman/

It actually answered some of the questions I feel I’ve been asking.
So much so that I don’t even really want to think about it right now.
Denial. Just gotta get through another weekend.

Not a rhetorical question…

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This is from the stance of being happy in your relationship…..
For those in relationships, how do you deal with having a crush on someone else? Do you stop it before it happens? Or does your love/devotion for your partner override any possibilities of acting (or wanting to act) on your thoughts?
From the stance of having lost romantic feelings for your partner….
Do you try to get those feelings back, stay in the relationship for the other perks, or let go and move on? Is letting go of the other perks worth losing the romantic part? But if the other person still has the romantic feelings, do you fake it?
I’m not a good enough actress to fake it. I hate holding on to someone when it’s only one sided. However, if I do say something, and it goes badly, I put myself in a horrific financial position that will take years to recover from, if ever. And then what if I end up being alone forever because no one else will put up with all my quirks?
Why do I over think everything?!?!?!

Regrets

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For the first time in a long time I’m regretting my way of life. Just a few short months ago I thought I had a good handle on it. But now the depression is getting to me, and I can’t shake it. I’m wondering why I did what I did to get in this deep, why did I leave where I was, I was partially happy. Had I known and just stayed a little longer I would’ve had a job offer that quite possibly would have ment I could have stayed put. But I didn’t. I was thinking long term, a real career, something to be proud of. But in the end is that what I want out of life? I want to do something good, change the world. Instead I feel trapped on a hamster wheel of my own making. I have no money, more debt than I wanted, and I’ve left my friends behind. Why do I keep waking up every day, hoping something will be different? I know this is classic depression, and I’m just letting myself get further and further in. I don’t know how to make it stop. I don’t know what to do. I don’t have the time to volunteer like I used to. I barely have time to see the few friends I have here and maintain a 4.0. My house is a wreck, I’ve lost interest in my boyfriend, and I gained all the weight back that I’d lost plus some. The list goes on and on. I haven’t been this low since my ex left me after 7 years together. Why can’t I just be happy and thankful for what I have? Why do I put so much pressure on myself, take on so much?
I just wish I didn’t feel like this. I wish I didn’t have these episodes. I don’t want to have to have a therapist on stand by.
I just want to feel normal again.

Happy news and a bad day

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Let’s just say today sucked. Too much to do, not enough time. However, it’s bed time and tomorrow is a good day.
I finally got up the courage to ask a good mutual friend if said crush had a girlfriend — and he doesn’t. Granted, this could be by design, as I fully understand the joys of being single.
However, enter possible bachelor number 2. I can’t say I have interest in him just yet, but he’s on the radar. I’m almost hoping he just becomes a good friend, because I fear I would crush him like a tomato and feel horrible after. I am the heartbreaker in most cases, and I fear what I would do to him. He may be stronger than I realize, who knows. But I would still feel better setting him up for someone else (unknown at this time).
But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m wrong on all of it. Maybe guy #1 has no interest, and guy #2 is actually The One. Or I’m way off base, need to get my shit straight, and move on.
I was going to talk to the bf tonight, but that was a no go. Part of me doesn’t want to, part of me wants to try, but then other parts say there is no future, move on and quickly.  I think I learn more about myself every day, and as I learn I realize I require so much to keep me interested in so many levels that maybe I’m not a one person woman. Maybe I have to have an intellectual person, a sexual person, a spontaneous person, a geeky person, and whatever else is out there I haven’t found yet.
We shall see. Tomorrow is yet another day.

Contemplating the How

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Now that I’m no longer in high school, I’ve often wondered how to approach someone you have a crush on, when you aren’t sure it’s reciprocated, you have mutual friends, and you have to see each other daily. I almost feel like saying something outright, like, hey, I have a crush on you, so that’s why I act weird around you all the time….I just wanted to get that out there, thanks for listening. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, and then just deal. I can easily avoid him until it’s no longer awkward, but if we’re as good as friends as I think we are it wouldn’t matter one way or another.
Then again, I question why I’m even considering this at all when I still technically have a boyfriend, even though he knows I’m not happy and we talk A LOT about why.
I keep hoping I wake up one morning and have the perfect solution, but obviously that hasn’t happened yet. So off to bed, to sleep another sleep and live another day.

You’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch

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For some reason that song is stuck in my head. And today I was actually the good employee!! It is amazing what we put ourselves through, when the thought keeps running through my head – we only life once.
What if we don’t get a second chance? What if these years we’re moving through are the only ones? The older I get the more I appreciate that fact. The longer you sit idly the longer you’ll regret not talking to that guy/guy, not buying that thing for yourself, not expressing who you really are.
I’m not asking for a lot – I’m asking for all of you to take a step back and realize we are but tiny flecks of dust floating on a boiling rotating rock.

On that note, I ate lunch with my crush today. Accidentally, mind you, and in reality I only sat next to him. But in the end, we were talking while occupying the same space. Worth it? Worth it.

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