Surrounded by people
And yet a deep sadness prevails
Clouding a cloudless sky
Once what was lost
Has been found
But was the price paid much too great?
I know it’s been a long time since I’ve posted here, and some of my past followers have probably moved on. And that’s ok – life goes on.
I’ve endured some pretty hefty self-inflicted changes this year and I’m OH-so-glad I did. I found my self confidence, and it got me a good job.
So, finally, a good job, a great house, a boyfriend, and my animals all survived the move. So why do I feel so defeated? I leave work and it feels like I’m accomplishing nothing. My boyfriend is just irritating, and all I want to do is sleep.
I’m pretty sure it’s called depression, and in wondering why in the hell is this rearing it’s ugly head now? I have everything I’ve wanted for a long time, but now that I’m here I still want more. I expect more. Bigger and better and greater. And every little thing sets me off, especially where my boyfriend is concerned. His incessant whining is bugging the piss out of me, to the point where I just don’t want to talk to him. I am exhausted; why do I want to listen to how much you hate your job for various reasons I’ve heard 500 times. What happened to all the meaningful conversations we used to have? Sure the move and stuff was a big deal, but it’s over. Time to move on.
I think I resent myself because I waited so long to do this, and now I’ve tied myself to someone, at least in the short term. I get a new start, but brought someone with me, someone with baggage who already had habits that irritate me.
I know this is stress and depression talking, I really do. I just need to vent it so I don’t explode. I hope it’s enough.
How long do you try to make something work? How soon is too soon to admit defeat? What is such a dealbreaker that in less than four months I want to jump ship?
I think I went in too fast and now I’m freaking out. And part of it is that we are so completely different in some aspects that I spend more time irritated than I do happy lately. You’re 30 years old, you shouldn’t be sleeping through alarms anymore. If you’re sick you should go to the doctor and actually take the medicine they give you. If you have an obligation, meet it. Don’t sleep through it. Don’t let yourself get so distracted that you just assume everything is going to be ok.
Ultimately I think I’m worried that this is just another man child. I spent 7 years having to put up with one. I finally get a chance to be myself, and low and behold I go for the same thing. One of my friends tried to convince me that sometimes you just have to put up with certain things…but to me, if it’s something as fundamental as the standard I hold myself to, I don’t know if I can compromise.
Sometimes I feel like I’m being too picky, but at the same time I don’t think I should have to always follow up behind someone to make sure they’re on time, they’re awake, or that they’ve paid bills or done their job correctly. I do that enough at work; I’d like to think my significant other could handle shit on their own.
I don’t know. Maybe I’m trying to talk myself out of it. Maybe I am being too picky. But I almost think I’d rather be alone than have to babysit another adult in any capacity. I don’t want children, so why would I continue to put up with a 30 year old child?
Have you ever realized you simply traded one set of problems for another? That in trying to do the right thing, the adult thing, you get knocked on your ass just the same?
I am trying to ask myself if I was really that desperate, or I actually thought it could work? Being open and honest does work, but it also hurts. I suppose I should be thankful for his honesty, but I still feel …disappointed. In him and myself. No, he didn’t cheat, and he didn’t lie, but he fucked up. And I broke a rule to myself, which should never have happened.
It all makes me realize that you really can only trust yourself, and bending the rules just that one time can be enough to make you remember why you should never bend them.
So what am I going to do? I don’t know. What I do know is I’ll spend yet another night awake because of just one more thing to worry about. I can fuck up all on my own; I damn sure don’t need someone else to help me, or drag me down with them.
Well peeps, it’s been a month, and I apologize. Sometimes life just gets in the way.
As do guys.
The good news (the very good news) is that I have a guy I can actually call boyfriend.
I know – WTF right?
It all started many, many, many moons ago, back in high school. I may have already talked about this guy – about how I wanted to ask him out recently but was completely afraid of rejection. Lo and behold, he asked me first. Great minds think alike, right?
I always said I wanted a guy version of me, and he’s that. He’s just different enough to be his own person. And he accepts me for me. He thinks I’m slightly crazy – SOP in my dating life – but he accepts that crazy. We both have our quirks, but I love them. I don’t think I’ve ever slid this comfortably in to any relationship what so ever. That being said, we’ve both been burned. Needless to say we’re taking it very slowly, just seeing how things progress. We both agree on children, marriage, religion, animals, tattoos and family. We both had unusual childhoods, and both turned out pretty damn well. He’s older than me (by a year), taller than me (thank Heavens!), and got his head on straight. Maybe I’m jumping ahead, but we have a 10+ year history – I think I’m OK in my forward thinking. He is too. We’ve both been through too much shit to skim over the basic fundamentals of starting a relationship. Sure we’ll have rocky points, but we’ve both hit that point in life that we mostly know who we are, and we know what we will and won’t put up with.
This relationship is developing with a slow burn, and I like it. It’s developing and molding and shaping up to be something great. We have plans to re-meet each others parents. He’s meeting my friends (I already know his, they’re mutual). This time around I’m going to listen to my friends and family, and question any red flags that start flying. I got in too deep in my last relationship and still haven’t dug out – the very last damn thing I need is to get in too deep too fast yet again.
I hope everyone out there is doing well. I’ll write more later about some of the pre-relationship dates I had, but at the moment the work/school/volunteer schedule is kicking my ass, and I’m exhausted. I can’t wait to catch up!
You know what’s one of the most frustrating things about dating? The partial rejection. Instead of just saying it, you tip toe around it, hide things, and avoid questions. If I ask you a direct question it’s because I want an answer. Not answering leaves a window open. Not answering is the pathetic thing to do.
So I’m moving on. I’m tired of it. I want a relationship, not a man child again. Know yourself. Be willing to tell the truth even though it might hurt. You’d be amazed at the response you receive.
I officially started new profiles yesterday, ones that are very truthful. I’m done hiding parts of me just to fit in. I deserve better than that -we all do.
For once I’m letting myself be happy. I have this sinking feeling that The Geek will convince himself we aren’t meant to be together. Maybe it’s just me being my typical “prepare for the worst, hope for the best” self, but in reality I don’t think he’ll want to commit in any way.
I think I’m OK with that. It’ll suck, sure, because I like him. But in the end why try to shove a square in to a round hole? If it works, great, if it doesn’t, I’ll be
So right now I’m just enjoying the happy high. I think I’ve earned the right to be happy for a little while.
This weekend I realized something about myself that I’ve never really put to words. The problem is I can’t figure out why I’m like that, and how to change.
I am always worried about what other people think. Some of you might say “well we all are”. But I take it to an extreme. If I’m driving with the windows down I think about the music I’m playing, and what other people will assume from it. When I’m out shopping I find myself watching for others’ reactions when I come close, instead of just getting what I need and moving on. And I’ve never been able to do things that might shine me in a less-than-favorable light, like karaoke, or dancing in public (even at a club), or even wearing clothes that might “define” me. I feel ashamed even voicing this. Why should I give a damn what other people think? I can let my tattoos show and I’m ok with it. But I over-analyze what I’m wearing when I go get those tattoos. I’m hyper-conscious about what other people think, and I am deathly afraid of making a fool of myself.
In the end I think that’s what it is – giving other people a reason to laugh at me, not with me. I’ll crack jokes all day every day, but I don’t want someone laughing at me. I do have a deep seated issue with that. I remember my mom making me wear things to school that would cause kids to make fun of me. The worst issues I ever had was when she forced us to move. The kids were horrible to me. I had severe, cystic acne. I spoke funny. I looked different. Everything about me was different. Thinking about what I actually went through makes me want to cry. I don’t think I’ve ever allowed myself to move past that because I’ve ignored that it happened. That also explains why I can’t handle bullies now – I never moved past what I went through then.
I kid you not they had a song about my acne. I wonder if this is also part of the reason I don’t want children – god for fucking bid they ever go through what I went through. My mom wouldn’t let me shave my legs despite the fact that I looked like a woolly mammoth. I’m one of those odd natural blondes that actually has mixed hair color around my body. My legs happen to have dark dark brown hair. Being a young girl in a new city that already had features that made me weird, the last thing I needed was my mother forbidding me getting rid of that hair. But in reality, it’s the song that still haunts me. All I wanted to do was fit in. I had been discarded by my father and his entire side of the family. My mother removed me from everything I’d ever known and moved me to some god forsaken back country state to a city that wasn’t even on the fucking map.
I still desperately want to belong somewhere, and yet I can fit in anywhere. I learned, the hard way, how to be a chameleon. So much so that I still feel like I haven’t met all of me yet. I still adjust what I say and/or do sometimes to fit what I think other people want. Yes, sometimes that can be a good thing, but only sometimes. Most of the time I don’t want to be what every one else wants, or thinks, or expects. I wish I could just let go. Let go of the past, let go of my fear, just let go.
And I don’t know how to do that. I feel like I am drawn to people who can do that, but then I either push them away or find a way to back away because I’m afraid of being made a fool. What brought all this on? A very short date this weekend, where he was unabashedly and unapologetic-ally himself, and I realized I am the problem. I am the sad, scared child who feels alone because I got handed the short stick as a kid. I still live every day like I’m that kid. Like I can’t stand up for myself. Like it’s ok to let people push me around because I get scared when faced with confrontation. Holy shit I’m pushing 30 and I can’t stand up for myself.
I feel like a walking contradiction. Some things are ok, others aren’t. Why can’t I just be OK with me?
This topic must be explored more, but at the moment I have to go to bed so I can be coherent at my job tomorrow. Maybe this is the start of a cleansing that’s been a long time coming.
Thanks to a complete lack of followup communication from the nerd, my decision has been a lot easier. We’ve briefly emailed, but nothing more since our very interesting, but good, date.
My question is this: do vocalize that you “like” someone or is it implied as things progress? The reason I ask is because I, personally, don’t want to continue to invest emotions, time, and money towards someone who doesn’t actually feel the same way.
Now don’t get me wrong, I think he does, to a point. There is a very strong possibility we won’t see each other for about two weeks due to living so far away from each other and previous plans. And I’m sure as the holidays come around it will be even more difficult. But, in my opinion, we should make time to see each other. Am I wrong? Or in this day and age of high gas prices and sheer distance that it’s ok to go without that physical connection?
Now that I put that in writing I feel like someone should slap me. Of course it’s ok. Some people live a world away.
Back to my original question – do you verbalize your feelings for someone? How soon? One month, five months? Never until the other person does first? Considering how deep a pull I have to say something I know I need to, somehow, and I’m liable to do it at the wrong time. Any advice would be awesome.