Man up

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I’ve decided I don’t think dating is the right avenue for me right now.
A guy asked me to go out for drinks same day, after 10 pm. I was asleep, so I didn’t answer. I also didn’t answer the following day because I had plans, hence needing the sleep. So late last night another message tolls through wishing me good luck in my search.
For real?
Believe it or not, I have some semblance of a life. I have plans, things to do. I appreciate a little advanced warning, or time to respond when we haven’t exactly been messaging buddies.
But you give up that fast? Seriously?  I haven’t responded, and am not sure I will. I almost want to, so he will do better for the next girl, but I don’t know if I want to open that line of communication.
I don’t have the patience for this. I really don’t. I also don’t have the current happy self image to do any better, so really, maybe it’s time to just let it go. Build up some friendships, slow down, focus on school and work.
Because in the end, I’m going to need someone as stable and self-motivating as I am, without the drama and bullshit.
Who knew that’d be so damn hard to find?

The (Real) End

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Tonight, I think, marked the beginning of the final end. The end where he moves out and moves on. Probably not in the next week or so, but I seriously doubt it will last through the summer. I’m ready, I really am. The week of peace was nice. Yes it’s frustrating sometimes to be responsible and come home to take care of the dogs, but it was my choice to have them.  It’s also frustrating knowing you have to find people to help if you need a ride somewhere and aren’t able to drive. But in the end, people do it every day. And the peace of mind is absolutely worth any hurdles that may come.

Be Happy

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I keep trying to remind myself of this. Remind myself to let shit go.
Find something, anything, that makes you happy. That makes you smile. It doesn’t have to be a person, it can be a quote or a picture or a piece of jewelry.
Be happy. Don’t worry about what others think. In the end, we are only able to change ourselves, but we should never lose ourselves for the sake of someone else.
Hate, regret, bitterness…we all become jaded so quickly.
I wish I had the answers. I wish I could accept myself fully, for all my flaws both past and present, and realize that maybe it is only truly me that still feels this way. What if the others have moved on, and I’m stuck back here alone?
I made that world for myself, and I need to find out how to escape. What is my key that will unlock me, and everything I hold inside?
I know we all harbor these unanswered questions. This post is really about letting others know you are not the only one who has thoughts like these. You are not the only one who fights constant internal battles.
In the end, we all do, but remember :
In the end, you are responsible for your own happiness.
So make it so.

Tired of being angry and distracted

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Something happened Friday that pissed me off. This something could have easily put my life, and my four-legged kids’ lives, in serious danger. All because he was so ready to get on the road to visit his new girlfriend.

Are you fucking kidding me.

Don’t get me wrong, I hope this weekend leads to them deciding to move in together, which means he’ll move out of here. But the fact of the matter is you haven’t moved, which means there are still obligations. Such as paying attention to the state of the house when you leave. Or leaving money for bills, as promised.

For some reason I decided to be nice and wait until Monday to send a reminder about the bills, but part of me wants to send it now, just to ruin their last little bit of weekend together. I am so angry, but to me this is just more proof of why we will never work long term. An attention span of a flea is not excusable, especially when it means possibly creating a life-or-death situation. There is nothing more important than protecting the home where you and others live, and the lives of those creatures who cannot really defend themselves.

This has kept me distracted all weekend. I can’t concentrate, and I don’t want to. I want to rant and vent and throw things, but I know it won’t get me a resolution. All I know is the clock is ticking down to a deadline, and I can’t concentrate long enough to get my shit together to meet that deadline.

It doesn’t help that work keeps popping up, or that I have a sinus headache. I think I’m reaching a breaking point level, but what’s going to break now is beyond me. If this headache doesn’t let up I’m considering staying home to try to sleep it off. Sleep is the only time my head doesn’t hurt. As soon as I open my eyes, it starts again. I have a feeling it’s stress, and I have a feeling it won’t go away until I get rid of said stress, but how in the hell am I supposed to do that exactly? I’ve never been able to find a good way to do that.

I know I’m just rambling but I hope it will help. It hasn’t yet, but maybe getting this off my chest will at least help me focus on homework. Probably not, because what I really want to do is ruin his weekend too. ┬áBut at the same time I need it to go well so he’ll leave.

Jesus, what have I gotten myself in to?

No clever title tonight

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I have the unique opportunity to be objective in listening to a modern day mating call. The lies we tell each other are mind blowing. What’s worse is when the person telling the lie truly believes it, and the other person finds out too late.
See, that’s what happened to me. At first the honeymoon period was fantastic. I thought I’d finally found someone I could talk to, share my dreams with, and maybe share my life with. What I really did was fall in love with the idea of finding that person. In reality, said person fell short, and now I harbor anger at myself for, yet again, getting myself in to this mess, with an end too far away to be happy about.
I also miss the days when I lived alone. At least when I did have roommates they were mostly considerate. He is being pretty much a complete ass since he found this chica he’s talking to. I hate complaining about it because I fear it sounds like I’m jealous, when in reality I’m just tired of dealing with it all. Like right now, he is talking so loud I can damn near hear every word. It wouldn’t be an issue if his bedroom wasn’t right under mine, but it is, and I’d appreciate a little consideration.
I keep telling myself to hang in there, it’s almost over…but it’s not almost over.
Heaven help me find a way to deal with this shit until it is over.

Changes

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I’ve done a lot of self reflection lately, and I believe that’s been shown in my most recent posts. While that’s all fine and dandy, I’m still depressed. I have no interest in my school work, I feel like I’m in an endless loop at work, and my home life is so frustrating I usually don’t want to go home. On the plus side my weight loss plan is working, which is unusual considering how depressed I am. So I’m going to write out some random shit, and hope I can get some sleep, and maybe dream a dream that will define what my real problem is.

I just feel defeated. I feel like every waking moment of every day should mean something, and yet that meaning is just this empty void of sadness. I would say it’s because I miss my friends, but I think it’s more that I miss the companionship. I miss the ties we had, the things we had in common, and I could stop by and see them on a whim. Now I don’t have the friends. I have a few coworkers that I hang out with, but they’re coworkers, and I may be their boss one day. I had one really good friend who is now in a relationship, and I’ve been sidelined. I really don’t hold it against her, but it doesn’t help the sadness. I feel lost. Losing my best friend, so young, so suddenly, so stupidly, just hurts. I think I’m still struggling with that more than I realize, and it’s leaching in to everything I do. But how do you let it go? I’ll always wonder why. Why her, why now. Why couldn’t I help her. I’ve been on a pretty big kick the past few weeks trying to go out of my way to help everyone, and I’m exhausted. It’s so tiring trying to be there for everyone, and then coming home feeling like there’s no one in the world I can talk to. I know people understand grief, I do. And I know it takes time to get over it. But how do I make it through until the pain stops? I’m just going through the motions. Like none of it means anything. I can’t even bring myself to volunteer any more, or participate in social events.

I keep saying I’ll figure it out. But will I?

No words

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I write without knowing what to write. Nothing is filling this hollow void left by a friend gone too soon. I also think it’s a catalyst, less than a year in, testing my resolve. And it’s wavering. I’ve made some mistakes, some I’m still having to live with. But I made the choices…
But this sadness….this pervasive sadness that is consuming my soul…
I’m going through the motions, but they have no meaning. I smile, but it doesn’t last. I laugh, but it holds no depth.
I would cry, but the tears no longer hold meaning.
There is just the sadness.

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