Really, what is? Who decides? In the end, only we can decide our own happiness.
Today I realized what is NOT my happiness: hanging out with people just because I miss my friends. I may never be real friends with these people, they haven’t proven anything. In the end, it’s really just wasting my time and money. The occasional hang out, sure, but weekly is a little much.
I really, truly, deeply, miss my friends. They were my rocks. We didn’t always hang out and didn’t always talk, but when we did it’s as if nothing changed.
I can’t reach out and touch them anymore. I can’t just call up and say hey let’s have dinner. Nope. I call and hope they answer, and have enough time to talk. And what do I do in my spare time? Desperately try to plug the holes in my life with people who just don’t fit. I don’t know why I do this to myself. It’s almost like dating – you keep trying and keep trying but in the end, why bother forcing something that doesn’t work.
Readers, depression sucks. I recognize that is where I am right now, but I am at a loss as to how to break the cycle. I need to be with people like me, animal people, who just don’t give a shit about how I sound or what I say or what my day job is – they just care about how I treat the animals, and once they figure out I’m in it for the long haul it’s all A OK.
But instead I ruin a chance, because of an impulse of the one person I did have here, and now I’m lost. Completely lost. In a place so much bigger than I’m used to why is it so hard to find somewhere to belong?
Because in the end, we only all want to belong somewhere.