I’m being tested and I’m failing

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I’ve lost my spirit. I’ve lost my will to give a damn. I’m so tired I’m never not tired. I’m so stressed I can even keep the two pounds off that I somehow managed to lose. Every day I question why I did this, why I thought this is the right thing to do. Every day I have a headache I question it, and every night as I lay awake I question it.
What good has it brought? Any? A failed relationship, I shit ton more debt and a job where I’m worked just as hard for less money than I should be making. My house is disgusting, and probably too big for just me. I can’t get rid of my other house. When does it get easier? Better? How do I stop the madness?

Homesick

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I’m almost at a full year away from home, and I miss it now more than I have the entire year. I miss my friends, my house, even being able to see my family. I finally felt at home, at peace (except for work), and they all had helped build me up to believe that I truly could succeed….

But now I feel lost again. So lost. So alone. What exactly did I feel was so damn necessary to fight for again?

But everyone could see I was miserable, because my job made me miserable. And you shouldn’t have to live life being as miserable as I was.

I just wish I could’ve kept what I loved, and pieced it together with the other half that I love now. A bunch of what – ifs keep running through my mind, even though I know it doesn’t matter.

Sometimes I get tired of being the strong one. Sometimes I get tired of having to be in charge. This is when I long to have someone in my life that understands how much I over being in charge, but that when I need a break I need them to be stronger than me. I just didn’t realize that was so hard to find.

I feel like I’ve lost me. Again.

To the guy I can’t have, but have a crush on…

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I come with baggage. I’m not happy with myself, and I’m not really looking. I think I want someone who will adore me, shower me with gifts and wonderful words, but I had that. And it wasn’t enough.
See, I haven’t found my identity yet. I’m 30 years old and still feel lost. Every day brings a new challenge I wasn’t prepared for, and I find myself struggling.
But you don’t need that. You don’t want that. You have a life you’ve chosen to lead and appear to be happy.
And in the end, that’s what I really want – to be happy.

But I wouldn’t be at all heartbroken if you came with that happy….

Read my profile, bitches

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Jeeeeezus. Read before you send please. Not reading it is a pretty damn surefire way to get ignored.
I do not want a relationship, so don’t message me about how you want one.
I do not want kids, so if you want them one day, let’s not even date, just in case a relationship develops.
I have tattoos. You don’t have to have any, but don’t message me if you don’t like them!

And what’s with the damn “I’ll be your huckleberry” still??!!

I don’t think I’m ready to do this, and yet I just keep on keepin’ on.

Man up

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I’ve decided I don’t think dating is the right avenue for me right now.
A guy asked me to go out for drinks same day, after 10 pm. I was asleep, so I didn’t answer. I also didn’t answer the following day because I had plans, hence needing the sleep. So late last night another message tolls through wishing me good luck in my search.
For real?
Believe it or not, I have some semblance of a life. I have plans, things to do. I appreciate a little advanced warning, or time to respond when we haven’t exactly been messaging buddies.
But you give up that fast? Seriously?  I haven’t responded, and am not sure I will. I almost want to, so he will do better for the next girl, but I don’t know if I want to open that line of communication.
I don’t have the patience for this. I really don’t. I also don’t have the current happy self image to do any better, so really, maybe it’s time to just let it go. Build up some friendships, slow down, focus on school and work.
Because in the end, I’m going to need someone as stable and self-motivating as I am, without the drama and bullshit.
Who knew that’d be so damn hard to find?

The (Real) End

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Tonight, I think, marked the beginning of the final end. The end where he moves out and moves on. Probably not in the next week or so, but I seriously doubt it will last through the summer. I’m ready, I really am. The week of peace was nice. Yes it’s frustrating sometimes to be responsible and come home to take care of the dogs, but it was my choice to have them.  It’s also frustrating knowing you have to find people to help if you need a ride somewhere and aren’t able to drive. But in the end, people do it every day. And the peace of mind is absolutely worth any hurdles that may come.

Be Happy

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I keep trying to remind myself of this. Remind myself to let shit go.
Find something, anything, that makes you happy. That makes you smile. It doesn’t have to be a person, it can be a quote or a picture or a piece of jewelry.
Be happy. Don’t worry about what others think. In the end, we are only able to change ourselves, but we should never lose ourselves for the sake of someone else.
Hate, regret, bitterness…we all become jaded so quickly.
I wish I had the answers. I wish I could accept myself fully, for all my flaws both past and present, and realize that maybe it is only truly me that still feels this way. What if the others have moved on, and I’m stuck back here alone?
I made that world for myself, and I need to find out how to escape. What is my key that will unlock me, and everything I hold inside?
I know we all harbor these unanswered questions. This post is really about letting others know you are not the only one who has thoughts like these. You are not the only one who fights constant internal battles.
In the end, we all do, but remember :
In the end, you are responsible for your own happiness.
So make it so.

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