What a cliche


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So yes, apparently, time flies. There is no stop button, no halt, just a never ending cycle of waking and sleeping and eating (or trying not to). I’ve been on a journey this past year, a journey I didn’t know I needed to take. A journey that left me with so many questions, and yet gave me too many answers.

I experienced a moment where I felt truly empty – not a bad thing or good thing, just nothing. I was seeing my life, the world, from a different view point, and I didn’t know how to react. Do I smile, do I cry, do I introduce myself or do I hide? Is it ok to hide?

I’ve made no secret of my depression, but what I wasn’t aware of was the root cause. The reasons were so beyond what I realized it hurt to let them out. It hurt to let them go, because I don’t know anything else. I don’t think I know how to be in a relationship without shame, fear, hurt and anger. I don’t know how to react to day to day things without anger – that was my security blanket. At least that way I knew how to respond. But now? I’m a little lost. I keep reminding myself that feelings are OK – if I want to hide, do it, but because I want to – not because I’m afraid. If I’m angry, try to find out why. Same for when I am sad.

I’m also trying to learn how to be happy. Especially in the moment. Take things at face value, and remember the joy they brought. Realize that I am not the only one facing hidden demons, but revel in the fact that I am so much stronger than I realized. I’ve always been the strong one, the adult, the loyal, reliable one, and now I realize that is OK. It is a good thing to be those things. It doesn’t make me weak, or an outcast, or just plain weird – that is what makes me who I am. And that is nothing to be ashamed of.

So for now I’m learning day by day. Taking each moment in to consideration, and letting go of the moments that aren’t worth keeping. It is hard – it is a struggle. But I’m finally doing what is right for me, and right now, that is enough.


When can I stay down?

I’ve made mistakes in my life regarding relationships. I think we all have. But as an adult every time I open up,  take that leap,  I am not caught. I fall in to the abyss,  slamming in to the ground,  wondering what in the he’ll just happened. Again. I am not an emotional person. I don’t talk about my feelings with my partners for fear of something like that happening yet again. 

But I keep getting back up. Over and over and over again. But this time? I’m tired. I’m tired of putting myself out there,  getting to know someone, having great conversations and making plans and then POOF, they’re gone with no warning and no explanation. 

At least this time I’m just sad and not teetering into a depressive hole. I’m frustrated. Do they have no respect for me, my feelings, my time? I have responsibilities. I have things I like to do. So when you waste a day of my time expecting you to show, I’m pretty angry. I usually give the benefit of the doubt, but after a while, after so many times with so many different people, I’m just done. I’m done. I would rather be alone and enjoy time by myself and with friends rather than wait for someone to come along and actually want to be with me…someone I actually want to be with. 

Better to have loved and lost…


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The theme of my life has been “loss”. Various stages have provided various versions, but in the end it leaves me feeling the same, lost and alone. We all know that feeling. But I hate when it happens when you least expect it. Where you hide your heart, withhold your feelings, and last minute – before they leave – you find out they felt the same. But circumstances are in effect, and sometimes it’s just easier to pretend it didn’t happen. It still hurts just as much as if something did happen, because feelings and emotions are still involved. I feel better equipped to deal with them now, but honestly, I’m wondering if the pain is truly worth the path.



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Do I rejoin the dating world? Do I really throw myself back out there hope that another one-in-a-million shows up who won’t abandon me this time? I don’t know.

I’m lonely, I admit that. I have time to go do things, I’m just insanely tired of trying to insert myself in to a new group of people. Again. I am, deep down, an introvert. I really and truly am. Doing this over and over is exhausting. And I’m tired of doing it alone. Damn it. I guess that’s my answer. I’ll keep swinging until I hit it home.

Kick me while I’m down


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I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to give up as bad as I do right now. Not suicide, please don’t mistake me. I’m talking about this notion that I thought I could make my life better, thought I could do more. How long do I plug away when all the signs point to giving up? These tests or trials or this shit called life, I’ve fucking had enough. Every day is something else, every day is something devastating. It’s like I’m getting a beating, and some of the blows are shallow – they hurt but only bruise. But some of them are strong enough to break skin and bone. And they just keep coming. I don’t know what to do, except get up tomorrow and see what it brings. I don’t think I have a choice anymore, I’m just a passenger on someone else’s train ride

Strange happenings


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Saying dating is stressful is an understatement. You never know who you are “really” going to meet. Will they look the same? Sound the same? Act the same? Or will they be so far off you can’t wait to run away?

But occasionally you meet someone. That person you tell your friends and family about, and get excited for your next date(s). You start planning weeks or months down the road, not just days. And you finally start to entertain the fact that you might like where this is heading – a legit relationship.

Then the other shoe drops. That proverbial damn shoe that all of us (maybe not all but I’m pretty jaded at this point) wait for when things are starting to look ok good. It’s a missed text, call or date. A cancellation when you had already confirmed the day/time/place. And then nothing. With no indication that things were going to just drop, there it is: silence. You start to think back and analyze every moment, wondering where you went wrong or said something or did something that turned them away.

But then you realize maybe it’s not you. Maybe you were being yourself, because you deserve to be yourself. Maybe they freaked out when shit started to get real, or used a lame excuse to walk away when they really met someone else and don’t want to tell you.

It is absolutely natural to immediately freak out and wonder what the hell happened. But at the end of the day you have to realize it’s just a day. Are you going to sit and wait? For what? For a sign or miracle or something? No. Don’t. Mourn the loss, but not for too long. Realize you mean something, and your feelings matter too. Release the anger and hurt and frustration and go back to being you. If you weren’t/aren’t happy with the “you” you are or were, doing something about it. Join MeetUp groups or messages boards for things that interest. Step outside your comfort zone and do something random. If they come back around, you’ll be secure enough in yourself to know whether or not it’s worth fighting for. At the end of the day, it’s still just a day. How do you really want to remember it?

P.S. update to Hello Friends – no, ironically this post isn’t about that person, but a different one after I decided I deserved better than to be ignored. However, the irony does not escape me.

Tired and lonely


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Occasionally you’ll find yourself in a situation that leaves you feeling a little left out. These days that is just about every day for me. The job I moved for, the job I loved…I’m in the same place I was before. I thought I had finally landed somewhere I could shine, and instead I’m being told that who I am, what makes me a good employee, hurts other people’s feelings. I like helping people. I’d like to think I don’t lack empathy – I freaking rescue animals in my very little spare time! I lack the patience for those who choose to be ignorant, who choose to continue to not help themselves or learn from their mistakes. Why do I have to be punished because other people can’t learn about themselves? Learn how you learn and take note because it probably won’t change. And then set out to ensure that when you have to learn something, you find a way to learn it that sticks.

I’ve overcome great odds to be where I’m at today. But at every turn I feel the world pushing back. As much as I don’t want to let it defeat me, I’ve lost myself. I can’t remember what it’s like to be me anymore. I do feel defeated. I do feel pushed down. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the raw truth of depression.

My way out? A rallying point. A goal for the home stretch. A decision on what I need in my life, not what other people say I need. It’s a long road, but everything in life is. Except I can’t see it right now. It’s like every little setback is a nightmare, and I’m on a roller coaster from hell.  A hell that only my brain is experiencing.

I’ve been presented with a challenge that has left me feeling helpless. I need my support group – that I no longer have. At work everyone is absolutely great, but once we leave I’m on my own. I thought writing would be cathartic but tonight it is not. I wish I knew how to stop feeling like this.

Hello friends


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I know it’s been awhile. For a little bit I lost my will to care, and spiraled in to a fierce depression. But I’m getting better, slowly. Sometimes we really do just have to take it all in stride and try to make better days.

On the plus side, I’m seeing someone. It’s only been about two months, but I really like him. But I also find myself holding back. The past few relationships I’ve jumped in head first, and severely paid for it. So I’m waffling. We haven’t had a spoken commitment to each other, I think it’s too early, but at the same time I don’t want to date around. Then again, I’m still pretty lonely, and he doesn’t seem to be able to make a lot of spare time. So of course that makes me wonder if he’s dating others. I haven’t had a chance to ask, but I really don’t think that’s it.

Ok, I got off on a tangent. My ultimate question comes down to do I date or not? Going on dates doesn’t necessarily mean you’re sleeping together, and I’ve actually met one of my very best friends through a guy I dated but only ended up as friends. I feel I’m in a world of isolation, the few friends I did have here are moving on, and I’m drowning. My entire support network is gone, and it took me YEARS to build the one I left.

In my heart, I don’t want to date. In my head, it’s the logical choice. Neither head nor heart have made sound relationship decisions in the past, and I really just don’t know where to go from here…

I have it bad


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I’ve recently developed feeling for a co-worker. Not just a crush. Feelings. I grin like a damn fool when I see him. I go to work happily, and dread leaving. I’m attempting to work up the guts to actually say something (he is single), but until then we play an awkward game of flirting and trying to hide it.

Badly. We hide it badly.

If an opportunity presents tomorrow, I’m taking it. If it doesn’t, I’ll make one. I cant stomach another weekend assuming he’s out flirting with other women….

Boy do I have it bad.

It’s so sad


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I’ve never had this many days where I don’t want to go to my job. It’s also the fastest I’ve become jaded. It’s so frustrating that I am expected to bend over backwards and change myself, and yet no one else seems to even be trying. I have always been the one coming in early, staying late, volunteering for extra work, because I love being able to do a good job. But when the emphasis is on feelings instead of work, I’d rather stay home. I’m not saying I don’t want a pleasant working environment, but would you rather me get work done or would you rather me spend my days catering to others’ feelings because they can’t handle the seeing the truth about themselves? When my days are filled trying to help other people work on their issues, while I am not their boss nor in a field that addresses those issues, I get tired of it. It is exhausting having to watch everything I say just to make sure I’m as helpful as possible without being snippy or hurting someone’s feelings, but I also can’t say no I can’t help them because then I’m not a team player.
In the end I feel like my only course of action is to not do my job, do their jobs for them, and when review time comes around explain that they either get “nice” unproductive me or productive me who is working on not being snippy as long as my co-workers are making a visible damn effort to help themselves. And maybe look for a new line of work.