Hello friends

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I know it’s been awhile. For a little bit I lost my will to care, and spiraled in to a fierce depression. But I’m getting better, slowly. Sometimes we really do just have to take it all in stride and try to make better days.

On the plus side, I’m seeing someone. It’s only been about two months, but I really like him. But I also find myself holding back. The past few relationships I’ve jumped in head first, and severely paid for it. So I’m waffling. We haven’t had a spoken commitment to each other, I think it’s too early, but at the same time I don’t want to date around. Then again, I’m still pretty lonely, and he doesn’t seem to be able to make a lot of spare time. So of course that makes me wonder if he’s dating others. I haven’t had a chance to ask, but I really don’t think that’s it.

Ok, I got off on a tangent. My ultimate question comes down to do I date or not? Going on dates doesn’t necessarily mean you’re sleeping together, and I’ve actually met one of my very best friends through a guy I dated but only ended up as friends. I feel I’m in a world of isolation, the few friends I did have here are moving on, and I’m drowning. My entire support network is gone, and it took me YEARS to build the one I left.

In my heart, I don’t want to date. In my head, it’s the logical choice. Neither head nor heart have made sound relationship decisions in the past, and I really just don’t know where to go from here…

I have it bad

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I’ve recently developed feeling for a co-worker. Not just a crush. Feelings. I grin like a damn fool when I see him. I go to work happily, and dread leaving. I’m attempting to work up the guts to actually say something (he is single), but until then we play an awkward game of flirting and trying to hide it.

Badly. We hide it badly.

If an opportunity presents tomorrow, I’m taking it. If it doesn’t, I’ll make one. I cant stomach another weekend assuming he’s out flirting with other women….

Boy do I have it bad.

It’s so sad

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I’ve never had this many days where I don’t want to go to my job. It’s also the fastest I’ve become jaded. It’s so frustrating that I am expected to bend over backwards and change myself, and yet no one else seems to even be trying. I have always been the one coming in early, staying late, volunteering for extra work, because I love being able to do a good job. But when the emphasis is on feelings instead of work, I’d rather stay home. I’m not saying I don’t want a pleasant working environment, but would you rather me get work done or would you rather me spend my days catering to others’ feelings because they can’t handle the seeing the truth about themselves? When my days are filled trying to help other people work on their issues, while I am not their boss nor in a field that addresses those issues, I get tired of it. It is exhausting having to watch everything I say just to make sure I’m as helpful as possible without being snippy or hurting someone’s feelings, but I also can’t say no I can’t help them because then I’m not a team player.
In the end I feel like my only course of action is to not do my job, do their jobs for them, and when review time comes around explain that they either get “nice” unproductive me or productive me who is working on not being snippy as long as my co-workers are making a visible damn effort to help themselves. And maybe look for a new line of work.

I hate waiting

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I found out something pretty neat today – one of the coworkers I shouldn’t have a crush on apparently may have a crush on me (sometimes I’m slow to pick up on these things). It’s apparently been obvious to others. The funniest part is I had already passed him my number, somewhat casually, after an encounter last week. The worst part is I haven’t heard from him yet. We’re never alone outside of work, and never alone at work. He’s more shy than I realized, again, vital information I could’ve used before now, but for once it was kind of nice to get to this place on our own. I won’t force the next step. I’m not in any hurry, and it’s not like dating is panning out for me. I have to focus on making myself happier anyway – if he ends up along for the ride all the better.
But I really do hate waiting.

I’m too old for this shit

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I’m pretty certain I’ve titled a post like this already, but damn am I feeling my age.
Firstly, I find myself attracted to older men at work, because at work I don’t see their age, I see their personality and behaviors. While I can’t seriously consider them as dating partners, it makes me feel my age – how young my age says I am, and how old my personality really is, which does not match my age in years.
Secondly, the younger men (my age) I do find myself attracted to still have “something” that turns me off. Bad grammar, bad speaking skills, lives at home, doesn’t have a car, doesn’t have a job, etc, etc, etc.
Every day my list seems to grow of things I don’t like or won’t put up with anymore, but that means my dating pool gets smaller and smaller. I think at this point I just don’t want to settle. What’s the point? I also think I’m not emotionally ready to give up my way of life for someone else…but then again, I also think that if you find the right fit, you don’t lose anything. Maybe that’s idealist or romanticist, but in the end I feel like I’ve dealt with enough in my life that I should now get to chose who I let in. And if that means I lose out on potential dating partners, so be it.

A point that hits close to home

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Adele’s newest release, Hello, really strikes a cord with me. Over the years there have only been a handful of people I wish I could go back to and say “I’m sorry.”

The ultimate pain comes when I see them succeeding at life and I’m failing….failing of my own accord, for the same reasons I failed them.

As I get older I realize I am not happy with myself, and maybe I never truly have been. I’ve lived my entire life to please someone else, to make sure I didn’t disappoint them….all while disappointing myself. I know only I can change it, but I’m scared. I’m scared as to what the world will hold when I finally embrace myself. I’m scared of failing. I’m scared of the consequences if I quit trying.

I don’t know how to be me. I don’t know how to break out of this stupid mold I’ve created and simply just be. And until I can do that I don’t think I’ll ever truly be free.

A little truth on a Friday

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I thought I wanted a friends with benefits, but I’m thinking not. I really just want friends, and maybe one day someone will work their way in to a comfortable relationship. But right now? I’m already tired of the game. I think I need to find my happy before I try to insert someone else in to my life.

Live and learn

So I recently fell in to something I shouldn’t have touched with a 10 foot pole. I know that now. I think only minor damage has been done, and I’m back pedaling fast. However, it’s made me realize a few things about myself, things that maybe I wasn’t aware of but my brain has been trying to tell me for years.

I don’t want a traditional relationship.

I have a fear of commitment.

Despite that, I don’t want just a one night stand every night.

I want to find someone like me. Someone who pushes the boundaries of the world andĀ isn’t willing to just settle.

Someone who has baggage but deals with it. We all have baggage, but jesus, figure out how to deal with it. We all have weak moments, and that’s fine, but DEAL WITH IT. Own it.

I want someone who will make me want to be a better person.

I want someone who can stand on their own two feet. They don’t NEED a roommate, or significant other, or family member, to take care of them. They have these people in their life because they WANT to.

Until the time that happens, I am absolutely fine being single.

I’m being tested and I’m failing

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I’ve lost my spirit. I’ve lost my will to give a damn. I’m so tired I’m never not tired. I’m so stressed I can even keep the two pounds off that I somehow managed to lose. Every day I question why I did this, why I thought this is the right thing to do. Every day I have a headache I question it, and every night as I lay awake I question it.
What good has it brought? Any? A failed relationship, I shit ton more debt and a job where I’m worked just as hard for less money than I should be making. My house is disgusting, and probably too big for just me. I can’t get rid of my other house. When does it get easier? Better? How do I stop the madness?

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