No words

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I write without knowing what to write. Nothing is filling this hollow void left by a friend gone too soon. I also think it’s a catalyst, less than a year in, testing my resolve. And it’s wavering. I’ve made some mistakes, some I’m still having to live with. But I made the choices…
But this sadness….this pervasive sadness that is consuming my soul…
I’m going through the motions, but they have no meaning. I smile, but it doesn’t last. I laugh, but it holds no depth.
I would cry, but the tears no longer hold meaning.
There is just the sadness.

Rant: What is the point of relaxing?

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Does it matter if you take an hour, a day, or an entire week to “just relax”? Not in my world, not in my experience.  Because the time spent relaxing or re-centering can be blown away by one stupid ass move by someone who damn well should know better by now.
It is over. Period. I do not ask to hang out with your friends. I do not ask you to tag along to hang out with my friends. Therefore, when you invite yourself along when you weren’t wanted and then feel left out because you weren’t invited to anything after shouldn’t surprise you. You shouldn’t have your feelings hurt.
Every time I think we’ve made progress we end up having to talk about our feelings. Again. You know what my feelings are? Anger. I’m tired of talking about it. I’ve given you every god damn reason, in writing and verbally, and yet every few weeks we have to revisit it.
No, this is not an ideal situation. No, I’m no longer having fun. I’m tired. I’m angry. And I’m god damn tired of repeating myself.
To me, the point of a relationship, any relationship, is a mutual respect for someone else. When I’m gone, I expect the same level of care for my house and pets as I give yours when you aren’t here. There is no gray area. And yet, I find that the gray area was introduced and stomped all through.  Just like my personal space.
My sympathy is gone. I can’t believe I held on this long. But I did, somehow. I like to give every person the benefit of the doubt until proven otherwise. I like we hit “otherwise” a while back and blew right through it. I’m tired.
I’m done.

Advice

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I find myself giving advice these days and yet not following it myself. I went to an event tonight, thought I looked fantastic, just to see a picture of myself and hate it.
This is not me. I don’t know why I’ve let it go on for so long. How can I expect anyone to fully accept me if I don’t accept me? I make a lot of excuses, and I get along just fine, until a day like today reminds me that I’m really not happy with myself. This needs to change. I need to change.
I want to be completely happy again, not only partially happy, or happy until I see a picture of myself and remember why I don’t like pictures.
This is not me. This does not make me happy. I need a real change, right now. Not later. Now.

It’s going to be ok

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Even though I made the choice, because I know it’s the right choice, a part of me is still scared. Can I do this on my own? Am I making the right choice?
Can I be ok and be alone?
I know I can. It’s the fear of the unknown. I worked so hard to get to a happy place, and then I moved. Now I have to start over. They say you can’t change feelings. I don’t think I want to, not really, but I also don’t want to be alone forever. But I think I need to find me first. That’s what is most important. Finish growing. Finish finding myself.
Learn how to be me and be happy about it.
Alone is just a term, a frame of mind. I need to be happy with just me.

More realizations and more growing up

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I want to find someone as intoxicating as they find me.
I want to wallow in the passion, rejoice in the good times, and live peacefully during the rest.
I’m rethinking my ideas of relationships.
As I get older I value my space and my time. While I want someone to be around when things get rough, or I need a date, I don’t necessarily want to come home to someone or wake up next to someone. My ideal relationship is someone who lives close, but has their own life, but is someone I would prefer to hang out with over any one else.
I’m beginning to think I need to find a new crowd to hang with, and get on my own feet again.

P.S. You know you have an awesome fwb when you are sending sexy messages and stop to swap nerd comments about software.

I hid something from myself

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Ever heard the phrase about the person who protests too much? Apparently I am that person. For the past few months I’ve been hanging out with a group of people, but when I leave them I feel sick at my stomach. Tonight, after leaving a rather fun event, I finally realized why – I like a guy. Damn it. I don’t want to like him. I want to be a friend, have a friend, enjoy group outings. But until I can box those feelings up I probably need to stay far, far away. I need to expand my friend group anyway.

I feel alone

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I don’t know if I’m lonely, or just feeling alone. I am normally 10000000% happy bei,ng alone…but in the end I think if it’s a choice I’m ok with it. If it’s because I can’t find anyone to hang out with it makes me sad. Not that I used to have a ton of people to just hang out with….just a select few who were always there. Sometimes you want to act like you’re 21. Sometimes you want to act like you’re 40. I miss having my range of friends to do that with. I have friends here, but they all have set plans for their days. I’m new, an interloper, and my newness is wearing off. Or maybe I’m over the new and exciting parts. Every day is the same: wake up, work, home, homework, sleep, repeat. Now it’s the dead of winter, and staying in is more fun than going out. But I’m not at that level yet to be invited to things like that.
But even as I type this I think about the new people I’m meeting every day. I haven’t had enough time to squeeze outside of my box. I can’t let myself get down. I moved because I needed to get away so I could be me. And maybe the me right now is boring. I have to accept it and be ok with it. Boring is better than devastated.

Pain

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Anyone out there have a chronic illness? They suck. Days like today, weeks like this week, they are all amounting to a horrible day tomorrow. Sometimes I wish life was different. …as if the pain was gone would my life actually be different. Probably not. Very rarely is the pain a driver, except it prohibits exercise which I desperately need.
And I honestly can’t tell if the depression is making the pain worse or the pain is making the depression worse.

Time

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It really is amazing how quickly time passes when you’re not looking. I’ve accepted that I’m just biding my time. Until what I don’t know, but I am. I’m not happy. I don’t know why I thought this change would bring so much more. In reality I traded one set of problems for another. I refuse to believe that is all life is about – moving problems around.
Right now I can’t shake my depression. I haven’t found something that just sparks my interest enough to shake it all up. I started backing away from some of the negative influences, but instead I just feel worse. I’m just so afraid to get close to the people here because I don’t know who is really a true friend.
I can’t give up. I won’t give up. I just wish I could find that happy place again.

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