More realizations and more growing up

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I want to find someone as intoxicating as they find me.
I want to wallow in the passion, rejoice in the good times, and live peacefully during the rest.
I’m rethinking my ideas of relationships.
As I get older I value my space and my time. While I want someone to be around when things get rough, or I need a date, I don’t necessarily want to come home to someone or wake up next to someone. My ideal relationship is someone who lives close, but has their own life, but is someone I would prefer to hang out with over any one else.
I’m beginning to think I need to find a new crowd to hang with, and get on my own feet again.

P.S. You know you have an awesome fwb when you are sending sexy messages and stop to swap nerd comments about software.

I hid something from myself

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Ever heard the phrase about the person who protests too much? Apparently I am that person. For the past few months I’ve been hanging out with a group of people, but when I leave them I feel sick at my stomach. Tonight, after leaving a rather fun event, I finally realized why – I like a guy. Damn it. I don’t want to like him. I want to be a friend, have a friend, enjoy group outings. But until I can box those feelings up I probably need to stay far, far away. I need to expand my friend group anyway.

I feel alone

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I don’t know if I’m lonely, or just feeling alone. I am normally 10000000% happy bei,ng alone…but in the end I think if it’s a choice I’m ok with it. If it’s because I can’t find anyone to hang out with it makes me sad. Not that I used to have a ton of people to just hang out with….just a select few who were always there. Sometimes you want to act like you’re 21. Sometimes you want to act like you’re 40. I miss having my range of friends to do that with. I have friends here, but they all have set plans for their days. I’m new, an interloper, and my newness is wearing off. Or maybe I’m over the new and exciting parts. Every day is the same: wake up, work, home, homework, sleep, repeat. Now it’s the dead of winter, and staying in is more fun than going out. But I’m not at that level yet to be invited to things like that.
But even as I type this I think about the new people I’m meeting every day. I haven’t had enough time to squeeze outside of my box. I can’t let myself get down. I moved because I needed to get away so I could be me. And maybe the me right now is boring. I have to accept it and be ok with it. Boring is better than devastated.

Pain

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Anyone out there have a chronic illness? They suck. Days like today, weeks like this week, they are all amounting to a horrible day tomorrow. Sometimes I wish life was different. …as if the pain was gone would my life actually be different. Probably not. Very rarely is the pain a driver, except it prohibits exercise which I desperately need.
And I honestly can’t tell if the depression is making the pain worse or the pain is making the depression worse.

Time

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It really is amazing how quickly time passes when you’re not looking. I’ve accepted that I’m just biding my time. Until what I don’t know, but I am. I’m not happy. I don’t know why I thought this change would bring so much more. In reality I traded one set of problems for another. I refuse to believe that is all life is about – moving problems around.
Right now I can’t shake my depression. I haven’t found something that just sparks my interest enough to shake it all up. I started backing away from some of the negative influences, but instead I just feel worse. I’m just so afraid to get close to the people here because I don’t know who is really a true friend.
I can’t give up. I won’t give up. I just wish I could find that happy place again.

What is happiness?

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Really, what is? Who decides? In the end, only we can decide our own happiness.
Today I realized what is NOT my happiness: hanging out with people just because I miss my friends. I may never be real friends with these people, they haven’t proven anything. In the end, it’s really just wasting my time and money. The occasional hang out, sure, but weekly is a little much.
I really, truly, deeply, miss my friends. They were my rocks. We didn’t always hang out and didn’t always talk, but when we did it’s as if nothing changed.
I can’t reach out and touch them anymore. I can’t just call up and say hey let’s have dinner. Nope. I call and hope they answer, and have enough time to talk. And what do I do in my spare time? Desperately try to plug the holes in my life with people who just don’t fit. I don’t know why I do this to myself. It’s almost like dating – you keep trying and keep trying but in the end, why bother forcing something that doesn’t work.
Readers, depression sucks. I recognize that is where I am right now, but I am at a loss as to how to break the cycle. I need to be with people like me, animal people, who just don’t give a shit about how I sound or what I say or what my day job is – they just care about how I treat the animals, and once they figure out I’m in it for the long haul it’s all A OK.
But instead I ruin a chance, because of an impulse of the one person I did have here, and now I’m lost. Completely lost. In a place so much bigger than I’m used to why is it so hard to find somewhere to belong?
Because in the end, we only all want to belong somewhere.

Am I ready?

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Am I really ready to do this? Am I really ready to face going forward alone, to start the search yet again?
Sometimes it seems exciting, meeting new people, learning new things, trying new things. But the flip side is what I don’t want to deal with – the feelings that are one sided, phone calls/texts never returned. Being ridiculed and/or ignored. Being judged before we’ve ever even spoken.
But in the end, what really matters? My happiness, and the well being of those in my care. I need to quit holding other’s needs above my own. I need to focus, really focus, on who I am, what I want, and why I refuse to settle.
And who knows, maybe that path means I’ll be alone. But at least I’ll be happy.

I don’t want to fall in love anymore

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I know this feeling will pass, but I hate this. I hate having to choose. Why do I do this? Why do I hurt people? Why am I so flawed?
The worst part is knowing I hurt him when he didn’t deserve to be hurt. He was just being himself, and I can’t live with that.
I think I might need counseling again. I think my scars run deeper than I’ve ever wanted to believe, and it colors every thing I do.
The next little while will be awkward, but in the end I know it was the right thing to do.
Sometimes life sucks, and love just isn’t worth it.

Tick tock says the clock

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A solution is in sight. Plans need to be made and pushed right to the edge of go.
So close, yet so far. So much courage needed to render so much heartbreak, it feels like an oxymoron.
When should I do it? What should I say? Do I try to have control or do I just let it all out?
Do I choose the shortest amount of words and walk away?
Almost there.

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