I thought I wanted a friends with benefits, but I’m thinking not. I really just want friends, and maybe one day someone will work their way in to a comfortable relationship. But right now? I’m already tired of the game. I think I need to find my happy before I try to insert someone else in to my life.
So I recently fell in to something I shouldn’t have touched with a 10 foot pole. I know that now. I think only minor damage has been done, and I’m back pedaling fast. However, it’s made me realize a few things about myself, things that maybe I wasn’t aware of but my brain has been trying to tell me for years.
I don’t want a traditional relationship.
I have a fear of commitment.
Despite that, I don’t want just a one night stand every night.
I want to find someone like me. Someone who pushes the boundaries of the world and isn’t willing to just settle.
Someone who has baggage but deals with it. We all have baggage, but jesus, figure out how to deal with it. We all have weak moments, and that’s fine, but DEAL WITH IT. Own it.
I want someone who will make me want to be a better person.
I want someone who can stand on their own two feet. They don’t NEED a roommate, or significant other, or family member, to take care of them. They have these people in their life because they WANT to.
Until the time that happens, I am absolutely fine being single.
I’ve lost my spirit. I’ve lost my will to give a damn. I’m so tired I’m never not tired. I’m so stressed I can even keep the two pounds off that I somehow managed to lose. Every day I question why I did this, why I thought this is the right thing to do. Every day I have a headache I question it, and every night as I lay awake I question it.
What good has it brought? Any? A failed relationship, I shit ton more debt and a job where I’m worked just as hard for less money than I should be making. My house is disgusting, and probably too big for just me. I can’t get rid of my other house. When does it get easier? Better? How do I stop the madness?
I’m almost at a full year away from home, and I miss it now more than I have the entire year. I miss my friends, my house, even being able to see my family. I finally felt at home, at peace (except for work), and they all had helped build me up to believe that I truly could succeed….
But now I feel lost again. So lost. So alone. What exactly did I feel was so damn necessary to fight for again?
But everyone could see I was miserable, because my job made me miserable. And you shouldn’t have to live life being as miserable as I was.
I just wish I could’ve kept what I loved, and pieced it together with the other half that I love now. A bunch of what – ifs keep running through my mind, even though I know it doesn’t matter.
Sometimes I get tired of being the strong one. Sometimes I get tired of having to be in charge. This is when I long to have someone in my life that understands how much I over being in charge, but that when I need a break I need them to be stronger than me. I just didn’t realize that was so hard to find.
I feel like I’ve lost me. Again.
I come with baggage. I’m not happy with myself, and I’m not really looking. I think I want someone who will adore me, shower me with gifts and wonderful words, but I had that. And it wasn’t enough.
See, I haven’t found my identity yet. I’m 30 years old and still feel lost. Every day brings a new challenge I wasn’t prepared for, and I find myself struggling.
But you don’t need that. You don’t want that. You have a life you’ve chosen to lead and appear to be happy.
And in the end, that’s what I really want – to be happy.
But I wouldn’t be at all heartbroken if you came with that happy….
Jeeeeezus. Read before you send please. Not reading it is a pretty damn surefire way to get ignored.
I do not want a relationship, so don’t message me about how you want one.
I do not want kids, so if you want them one day, let’s not even date, just in case a relationship develops.
I have tattoos. You don’t have to have any, but don’t message me if you don’t like them!
And what’s with the damn “I’ll be your huckleberry” still??!!
I don’t think I’m ready to do this, and yet I just keep on keepin’ on.
I’ve decided I don’t think dating is the right avenue for me right now.
A guy asked me to go out for drinks same day, after 10 pm. I was asleep, so I didn’t answer. I also didn’t answer the following day because I had plans, hence needing the sleep. So late last night another message tolls through wishing me good luck in my search.
Believe it or not, I have some semblance of a life. I have plans, things to do. I appreciate a little advanced warning, or time to respond when we haven’t exactly been messaging buddies.
But you give up that fast? Seriously? I haven’t responded, and am not sure I will. I almost want to, so he will do better for the next girl, but I don’t know if I want to open that line of communication.
I don’t have the patience for this. I really don’t. I also don’t have the current happy self image to do any better, so really, maybe it’s time to just let it go. Build up some friendships, slow down, focus on school and work.
Because in the end, I’m going to need someone as stable and self-motivating as I am, without the drama and bullshit.
Who knew that’d be so damn hard to find?
I feel like doing something reckless. I hate when I feel this way. I get antsy, frustrated, quick to be bitchy. It will eventually pass, but it’s been building for a while now…it may not pass until I do end up doing something stupid, like getting another animal or buying something big I don’t need or can’t afford.
Let’s hear it for recklessness!