Yesterday provided more fodder for me than I normally get. A typical Saturday would have kept me home, alone, and sad. But I got out, had lunch, went shopping, came home.
I’ll break down certain topics later because I feel they require discussion on their own. But as a rundown…
I started talking to 2 guys late Friday. One older, one younger (I’m an equal opportunity dater). I ended up giving both my number, intending on talking to them Saturday. Guy 1 (older) flaked. Guy 2 (younger) didn’t, and took the initiative, which I give brownie points for. However, through pretty serious discussions we decided it was pointless to continue. Again, this is why I’m still single, but I figure ultimately I want to find someone to be with. If what I’m looking for clashes with something they are looking for, why waste each others’ time? I’m not in to the casual dating scene, and unfortunately I’m very picky. And blunt. One of my guy friends joked with me once and said “and try not to scare this one off!” Well shit, if they are scared off by me now God forbid they get to know me better! Anyway, my point is in less than 24 hours I rejected yet another very cute, very “me” type of guy. Damn.
So Saturday morning I get to flirt with a very attractive man. He seems in to it, but with no follow through. I know I can come off as intimidating. How, I haven’t figured out, but he was well aware I was flirting back. While it made me smile, I wish, that for once, someone random person in public would actually talk to me like someone they are interested in and follow through. Ask for my number. I get a TON of guys that just simply flirt, or ask my name, but that’s it. I have asked before, but after awhile it just gets tiring to be the one putting it out there. No harm no foul if you’ve just met and it turns out the other is attached to someone. But if you never ask, you’ll never know, and The One could walk away from you just that fast.
So Saturday night finds me sitting at home alone, as usual, and I accidentally cause this guy to think I’m interested in a relationship. He’s a great guy, but he has Problems. I have problems too, but not like this, and frankly I’m not strong enough at this point in my life to handle any one else’s Problems. I’ve repeatedly rejected the notion that we would work, and yet somehow he keeps slipping in when I least expect it, and suddenly realize what I’ve done. Today I ended up with a legitimate reason to cancel, but I still feel bad. How he manages to keep popping up I don’t know honestly. I guess if there is a will there is a way, and he sure seems to have a will. I have resolved to put a stop to it though, because I have no desire to be a person to crush him, and that’s how this would play out.
Now I’m to Sunday midday, at home, alone, and ok with it. I can eat what I want, do what I want, say what I want, talk, text, blog, etc, because I want to. That’s the one thing I can say I did learn from the end of my last relationship – NEVER give up who you are for someone else. That is the beginning of the end, and does nothing but cause trouble.
So while I may be sitting here lonely, I know I’ve done what I can this weekend to try without really trying, and to be true to myself. At this point, that’s all I can ask for. And I’m happy with that.