I’m having a pity party. I hate pity parties. I wish I never had weak moments where  my hormones took over and made me want to just curl up in to a ball, preferably with someone else to curl up with.

I blame it on my insanely stressful life. It shouldn’t be stressful. I’m single. I have a job. I have friends. I have animals that care about me probably ask much as my friends do. And yet I let days like today get me down. The overwhelming feeling of helplessness just intensifies the loneliness I usually shove down in to a deep dark hole in my heart. I feel helpless against fate. I take one step forward and get shoved back 10 steps. That’s the pattern lately. Two steps back isn’t good enough for me. I have to take a huge hit that puts me way way way behind where I thought I was going to be.

The most irritating part is the reoccurring theme that if I am not happy with myself, how do I expect other people to be happy with me? I don’t know the answer to that. I am happy with me, to an extent. I am not happy with my financial situation. I  am not happy with my family situation. And I am not happy with my job situation. I like me as a person – I don’t like the me that those three situations create. I want to be happy, and laugh, and be able to walk around with a smile on my face. But sometimes it’s hard, and days like today it’s impossible.

So I find myself reaching out to others to find comfort, and often times it’s people I didn’t really want to talk to in the first place. So instead I’m typing this post, hoping that this feeling will pass soon and I managed to avoid making a commitment I didn’t really want and probably won’t keep. Or worse yet, get the rejection that I really don’t need.

I just realized a trigger for feeling like this – having to be such a leader during the day, making decisions I’m not comfortable with or putting myself/my thoughts/my job on the line…is draining. Sometimes I want to just have someone else around to make some decisions.