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Lately I find myself remembering specific events or people from past relationships. I don’t end up with a smile on my face; I actually end up feeling sad.
I’m remembering the good and bad times. Wracking my brain, trying to figure out what went wrong, what went right, and how do I recreate the best parts?
I think I’m wearing relationship goggles (thanks writers at How I Met Your Mother). I remember the good times like they were the best ever, and gloss over the bad. But the bad was BAD, otherwise we’d still be together.
I just can’t shake the feeling that I’m missing something. That there is a moment or feeling or something I need to remember to learn from, and my subconscious recognizes that.
Or am I really just purging my past relationships? Maybe they all carried a lot more meaning than I realized, and now being alone (against my will) makes me realize that. There are a few specific people I’m holding in my thoughts and dreams, and I’m slowly moving through them based on their significance to me.
Or am I really so actually lonely that I’m desperately seeking a way back in to these peoples lives? Which is so morally and emotionally wrong I’m not even going to elaborate that point. What’s done is done.
So I start my Saturday very early, and very alone. Maybe one day my “emotional brain” will catch up with my “logical brain” and realize that I can be happy alone.