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So I subjected myself to two romantic comedies this evening. Most of the time they put a smile on my face, and make me remember the good memories of dating, first loves, first kisses. But tonight they just made me sad.

I had a good day today. But I find myself wanting more. It is almost freezing outside, and not having someone to cuddle with, another warm human body in the house, is a little upsetting. I am an awesome woman. I am what every guy wants, and what every parent wants for their son. However, that does not work to my benefit. Instead, they go for what they think they want, and I get left in the dust, while their relationship/marriage builds and eventually crumbles. I’m not here to be someone’s second choice. I deserve better than that. Yet I find myself desperately seeking attention sometimes, knowing that the person has already moved on.

The ultimate problem, as I see it, is the people who see all facets of me are normally people who I can’t, or won’t, be romantically involved with.

I can see why now my last relationship grew. We worked together. We had a chance to see all the facets, good and bad, at face value, without worry or fear of what the other person thought. It didn’t matter because we weren’t trying to impress each other. And in doing so, in being ourselves, we fell in love. I paused for a moment after typing that to reflect on the beginning of that relationship. I knew within a week that it was something special. I knew relatively quickly that I had my hands on something special in the few standout relationships I’ve had in my short life.

Most of the breakups were my fault. Now, whether they were or not, I’m not sure they’d all agree with that. But in my eyes, it was. And in some of them I wasn’t nice about it. I hate that now. I would apologize (in some cases I have), but it may not do that much good.  Some have moved on. Some are still single. I felt like Karma came back to me when my relationship started to sour. Payback for all the heartache and trouble I caused. On a good note, many of the guys I…wronged…went on to find the person they’re currently married to. I find that ironic, but it makes me truly happy that they found happiness.

Deep down I’d like to think I’m a good person. That regardless of what I do my intentions are not cruel, nor done to cause problems. I’m probably the least drama-inducing person you’d ever meet. But once something is final in my mind, it’s final. When I try I can compartmentalize very well, and rationale takes over and I see the situation in black and white. The grey area no longer exists.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Why am I getting the feeling I’m way too damn young to feel this jaded?