, ,

I realized something earlier this week, something that I’ve never really put effort in to thinking about before. “How I Met Your Mother” alluded to it, but I never seemed to grasp the truth behind it.

There is always a “reacher” and a “settler” in a relationship. But the terms I put it in made more sense to me – I can be someone’s “pretty”. I can be that goal that someone is reaching for, and instead all the while I’m putting effort in to reaching towards my unattainable. However, for me to stop and take stock of something more than what I think I want, I don’t feel like I would be settling. It’s more like I would be putting more stock in to brains than brawn for once, and getting rewarded for it. Finally.

It feels good. Great actually. On the outside, to the rest of the world, I can present a great facade. Always smiling, jovial, getting along with everyone, complete confidence in who I am. But on the inside I’m pure turmoil almost all the time. It’s hard to look in the mirror, knowing what I’ve been through and how I think, and think that anyone will ever actually like the whole package I have to offer.

I have issues. Deep seated issues that will probably never truly go away. I’m lucky I’ve made it this far with no addictions. Sure I have some OCD tendencies, and battle depression, but at least I didn’t turn to drugs or alcohol to drown it all out. Hell even prescription meds mess my head up so bad I refuse to go on them. I prefer having my mind functioning at it’s highest capacity. Those meds do nothing but slow everything down and jumble my thoughts.

I watched a movie the other night that helped reaffirm these thoughts, My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend. I’ll try not to spoil it to give you all a chance to watch it (available on Netflix), but the whole movie I kept thinking I want that! I want someone to awkwardly try to hold my hand, hold me close, kiss my forehead, to actually listen to me when I speak and not just brush it off. Someone who doesn’t forget a date (which totally, no joke, happened yesterday. After he tells me he’s “so excited” to meet me. Idiot.), and who actually goes out of his way to make sure I’m happy. What a way to actually be in a relationship.

Now let’s hope I don’t blow it all the first week after a realization of possibilities and the actual execution of them. Date #1 was excellent. Date #2 coming soon, keep your fingers crossed!