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And I’m beginning to mind being bored. Granted, when I woke up I was pretty sure I had the flu, and I’m still not feeling all that great, so going out is stupid. But damn it I’m bored. I feel restless, like I’m just wasting time. And yet I can’t find focus. I obsess over the stupid boring past that I can’t change, and see how I can try to manipulate it in to becoming my future. Makes perfect sense, right?

Wrong.

When did revisiting an old flame make a difference? I haven’t found it to be true. If anything I feel like I’m treated like a leper – like someone no one wants to talk to or be around. I have a feeling that if I scheduled a Christmas party only a few would show. And even then they wouldn’t stay long.

It doesn’t really matter because I’m too scared to try. The last thing I need right now is more rejection, especially from friends. “Friends”. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt that I’ve had friends, and now that I think back I wonder if I was truly ever a friend. Maybe that’s why I don’t mind being alone – I’m used to it. Even when I was in my last relationship I spent quite a bit of time alone, and even now trying to date I find myself questioning if I really want to, because it means sharing my space and stuff with someone else. And I really don’t. My stuff is my stuff and my space is private.

And yet, when I really think about it, I’m tired of being alone, but the love I’m waiting for doesn’t happen overnight (in most cases). And I refuse to settle. I’m not going to waste my time or any one else’s time just because I’m lonely. If I don’t feel anything for the other person then it’s over. I wasted almost my entire 20’s on one person, and what do I have to show for it? Single and pushing 30. Broke, because lucky me got to keep the big ticket bills. Fat, No kids, a job I hate that gives me weekly migraines, and a house I can’t afford to fix.

And I expect to find love? Riiigghhhtt. Especially over the internet? Ha ha ha, ha. Ha. I’ve found that meeting someone in person is best, because for some reason people like me. But over the internet? Where pictures are your only option? Never gonna happen. It didn’t before, even when I wasn’t this fat. I was actually slimmer than the current American average back then and it didn’t make a difference – I had to meet my peeps in person to start any sort of relationship.

But now that I’m old, fat, have a house full of animals, and all my friends are married with kids, I  spend most of my time home, alone. Which doesn’t bother me.

Anyone else seeing a circular pattern here?

Sometimes it feels like I’m just making excuses to say “maybe I’m just not ready”. But deep down, maybe I’m not ready. Sure, I’ll keep looking and keep trying, but in the end, as my friends’ date so succinctly put it the other night, sometimes there’s a plan for you that you just aren’t aware of. And maybe my plan right now is to be single and be OK with that. I sure am trying, that’s for sure.

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