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I think the finality of my relationship has hit. Being the one that was “abandoned”, it took me a lot longer than him (who had a new gf already) to finally realize “it’s over”.

Those of you who’ve been through breakups understand this feeling, I’m sure. And I’m sure I’m not the only person, even in my city, going through this right now.

But, damn it, this sucks.

I’m not sure if this year is worse because I saw him with her, or if because I feel so alone. I feel angry, hurt, heartbroken and alone. I don’t want to be with family tomorrow. I’m not sure I’d even want to be with friends at this point. So my only outlet is writing a new post here, hoping that by the end of it I’ll at least feel a little bit better, even if I don’t have a direction yet.

I miss home. Not that it makes a difference, but I miss the coast, with the water and wind and waves and sand. They’re having the same weather I am now, but the difference is being able to drive a bit and see the ocean – here, I’ve got a minimum of a 6 hour drive, and even then it’s always cold as ice. I want to run screaming back towards it, towards people who accept you for all of you, and don’t immediately judge, or argue with you just because you think differently than they do and they are always right.

It may not make a difference. Maybe I’ve been away too long. Maybe I’ve grown so used to the slow and steady that I’d falter in the normal world. And, seriously, men and women there are no different here when it comes to dating. You still get the people just out for ass, the people who want to get married NOW, the people who string you along because they aren’t happy in their own life.

I find myself wanting to go out, wanting to show the world I AM ME, I am my own person, but I’m scared. I’m scared to walk in to a bar or restaurant alone. There are things I want to do and see but I’m so afraid of running in to someone I know and feeling awkward I don’t. I flew across an ocean alone and was fine, but I freak out eating by myself. What the fuck.

How I come across to people matters to me. I hate to get in trouble, or be a disappointment. I can’t stand someone feeling ill will against me. I carry an exaggerated sense of responsibility – probably a result of what I’m guessing is truly obsessive-compulsive disorder.

So I’m stuck in a wheel of my own making. I truly don’t mind being alone. Spending time by myself is almost preferable to the company of most people. I can easily amuse myself for days without needing another soul to talk to. But what I realized this morning is part of my problem – I like taking care of people. That’s part of the reason I have so many animals. I don’t jump up and down at the thought of cleaning a litter box, but the reward for saving kittens is worth it to me. I miss having a human to buy for, to send sweet text messages or emails to. I’m a romantic at heart, and enjoy making others smile, especially if they are important to me.

Everyone keeps saying “when you stop looking you’ll find someone”. It’s not that easy for me. Does anyone find it easy? I feel like I can’t find a balance when I’m public – for instance, if I see a cute guy do I smile or look away like I’m not interested? Define “stop looking”. Stop trolling the dating sites – sure, I get that. But how do I act in public? Ignore everyone around me? Then I come across as a bitch. For that matter I’ve never been approached in public that I can remember, even when I was “skinny” by modern terms. The places I found people were school and work. Well, I’m not in school any more and don’t really want to be, and everyone I work with is married. So what’s left? I don’t have a lot of friends, my ex saw to that. I feel like a leper when I approach people I went to high school with – they’ve all moved on. The newer friends I have are married with kids, or live to far away to just hang out. How do you make new friends? I started volunteering recently, but when the events are over people scatter back to their normal lives. Maybe over time I’ll find someone there to at least expand my friends list with.

Being an adult is hard enough without the added stress of trying to find new friends and new partners.

So here’s to a Christmas Eve truly alone, no Christmas lights or tree up, no Christmas music playing. Just me and my blog, and lots of questions that float unanswered.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.