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my world stood still.
I looked up and saw you. My heart stopped.
And then you looked up…and it wasn’t you. Such an aching sadness inside, knowing that my heart still believes there could be an “us”.
I realized in that moment I may never be happy if I don’t get a real chance with my “what if” guy. I really, truly love him. We’ve been best friends for almost a decade now, but we never get the timing right. I wonder if I’ve been sabotaging what chances I may have had with others knowing he’s out there and miserable, and I’m free but only want him. I’ve always thought that one day I could put my feelings aside, but it hasn’t happened yet. We can go months without speaking and then pick up like no time has lapsed. I still get butterflies when I see his name pop up on my phone.
Does he feel the same way? Yes. Have we talked about it? Yes. But he is an honorable man and must stay put, regardless of how miserable he is. It is not our time. So I sit back and stay silent, ready and waiting for the fallout that I know is coming. It’s the when I’m not sure about.
But in reality, I need to get myself in a good place first. Because I want to be completely happy with me if our paths actually cross again. So time I take, and wait.
And wait.
And wait.