Thankfully I can see the moon for a brief period of time while I’m on the computer. Something about the big, shining roundness brings me comfort. At least, it usually does.
Tonight, however, I’m feeling unsettled. I feel unhappy, genuinely unhappy. I have all these dreams and ideas; and yet I never seem to follow through. Like the book I’ve been writing but haven’t worked on since 2009. Or the store I want to open. Or the grand move I want to make. Why can’t I shake out of it? Why, and when, did I become content to just live life the way it is?
I think I’m scared. I know I’m scared of failure. In my current path I may stumble, but outright failing would be hard considering the time I’ve invested in the background structure. I don’t want to give that up. Why let my creature comforts go on a whim? What if I lose it all? I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to be pushing 30 and moving back in with my mom because I failed.
I just wish I knew how to stay consistently happy if I’m going to stick with the path I’m already on. Sure, I have moments, like Friday, where I felt wonderful. I got to do exactly what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it, and it felt great! And I sit here dreading tomorrow, knowing I just flat out don’t want to face what’s coming, but knowing I have to. Will I stumble? Quite possibly. Will it hurt? Damn straight. Will I survive without it messing up my path? Absolutely.
I’ve never been a wild child, or a risk taker. I think too much, plan too long, and worry over the small things. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to shed my fear(s) long enough to accomplish something that will bring me consistent happiness.