Just don’t. It’s not necessary, nor funny, nor does it make me want to sleep with you.
Oh, and don’t fuck with my friends. That makes me angry.
Trust me, you don’t want me angry at you.
Are you fucking kidding me? Did you really just send me a message that sounded like a spam email?
Of course you did, because you aren’t original. And since I’m not in the military, calling me Sir is not a compliment. There was no need to include your phone number.
By the by, I read an article by the authors of The Rules…updated for modern dating methods. If that really is what guys want I think I’ll stay single. Or become a lesbian. Except women are crazy. Woo hoo, old cat lady life for me!!
*contains movie spoilers about The Perks of Being a Wallflower. You’ve been warned.
I know evil, and evil knows me.
To know evil, look inside me.
Just because it isn’t immediately evident doesn’t mean it isn’t lurking inside, waiting for the right moment to pop out and take over.
I live, feed and thrive off anger. I carry anger deep inside, along with an ever present fear of the unknown, fear of rejection, fear of getting in trouble.
I watched The Perks of Being a Wallflower today. I wish I had known ahead of time what it was about. I wish I hadn’t watched it, because now I can’t shake it. I go through my daily life ignoring my past, hoping over time it will fade. But it doesn’t. While I don’t have blackouts, or suicidal thoughts or attempts, it doesn’t mean I’m not just as fucked up as that poor kid Charlie. Except mine was on display for the entire fucking world to see, in real time.
Will I ever get over it? Probably not. Will I ever be able to completely come to terms with it? Probably not. How exactly do you completely move past something like that? The fear, hurt, trauma, anger….someone you trust, absolutely trust and love…how dare they. How fucking dare they. To prey on a child is the absolute sickest thing a human being can do. That child trusts you. The difference between good and evil, right and wrong, is still being formed in their brain, and you just pave the road to hell for them. How dare you.
For me, it wasn’t my aunt, it was my father. All things considered, I’d like to think I made it out relatively well. I still hide, but I know I do. I can talk about it, and [now] don’t mind going to therapists when it gets to be too much to handle. Does this color how I handle certain things in my daily life? Of course. Do I try to rise above it? Absolutely. He chose to be evil. I choose not to. Thank God I didn’t inherit more than some genetic issues (like being fat) from that worthless piece of flesh. I recognize that each person is an individual, and you have choice of what kind of person you want to be. I want to leave a positive effect on this planet. Maybe it will offset some of the evil he fostered. Maybe someone will hear what I have to say, see what I’ve overcome, and realize it is possible to move on, to deal with it instead of giving in to the fear, the anger, the hurt.
We all falter over things we’ve been through, because they shaped who we are today. But part of growing up is learning how to overcome the bad stuff, and make new good stuff. It hurts. And it’s hard. You never know when something will set you off, like this movie did for me, and you never know how long it will take to recover from each episode. I can tell you I’m not sure what will shake me out of this one. It doesn’t help that I had a really crappy weekend, including getting a bad (very bad) haircut that makes me feel uber self conscious, had a busted “girls night out” last night, and spent all day today doing nothing except watching movies that hit way too close to home. Oh, and tomorrow is Monday at a job that takes a pretty huge toll on me as it is.
But that’s ok. I’ve made it through before, and I’ll do it again.
I know evil. But that evil doesn’t have to be me.
I said something tonight that I regret, but can’t take it back. Not romantic relationship related, but tattoo artist related. I love the ones I have, but one isn’t as realistic as I wanted. In the beginning I loved it, but the more I look at it, and look at the images it was supposed to be, I’m not 100% happy. Now I haven’t told him this, and should’ve kept my damn mouth shut, but I went to a different place tonight and said those words. And of course the new artist knows my artist – he’s a leader in the local industry. Now I feel like I’ve just said the greatest artist ever sucks. He isn’t the greatest, but he is amazingly good at what he’s good at. I probably should’ve said something to him, but what do I do now? I’ve opened my mouth to someone else and feel like I’ve broken an unspoken rule. Am I an idiot for feeling guilty about it?
My question: And you have “drugs: sometimes” meaning…?
His response: what lol
….I give up kids.
Even better….there is a troll who WILL NOT leave me alone. I’m pretty sure he does it to all the women, but I’ve had enough. His emails always, ALWAYS, start out with “so how do you feel about cuckolding” or “do you like to wear the pants in the relationship”.
He messaged me again last night, this time on a different site. I don’t know if I’m better reporting him or ignoring him. I’ve tried it all, and he just keeps coming back. What a dumbass.
I’m tired. I need sleep. Maybe tomorrow will bring a rational, semi normal, semi attractive guy with brains, tattoos and/or piercings, and muscular arms, who doesn’t mind me being a work in progress. I’m not asking for much.
Positive note – one of my pairs of skinny fat jeans is actually loose on me!!! Woo hoo! I would dance if I wasn’t so damn tired!!
A fellow blogger once posted about the 3 Second Rule. I’ve been curious to try it out ever since. Today, I got the chance while entering Walmart (believe it or not) with a very fine specimen of a man who unfortunately was walking out as I was walking in. I made eye contact, smiled, he held contact and smiled back…and kept walking. Ugh, really? What then? Was I supposed to turn around and follow him? I didn’t look back, considering he had kept walking, he obviously wasn’t too interested.
My follow-through has always sucked, in person, on the phone or online. I never know what to do, what to say, or how to act. And it really hasn’t mattered if I act like myself or am a little more reserved, I end up with the same result: nothing.
For instance, guy I bitched about recently but then popped up? He disappeared again and I’m pretty sure that was it. I don’t get it. If he wanted to disappear he could’ve just left off the first time and I would’ve gotten the hint. But he came back, and left again. Whatever.
I hesitate in sending first messages in online dating, because I never know what to say. So I put that on my profile, and if a guy is interested he usually messages me. But, the weird part, why message me and then quit talking? Again, no matter how long or short or what I say, that’s the end of it.
I give up. I’m tired of second guessing myself, or worrying what the fuck other people think. If they can’t like me for me, they can go fuck themselves.
Don’t try to. Don’t ask me to. If I do, it’s because I chose to. NOT because that’s what you wanted.
I attract people who think they can change me. That I would be better off if I stayed out a little later, slept a little later, stopped cursing so much, ate a little differently, and so on.
If you’re trying to change me, you don’t really want me. Quit pretending you do. I won’t be molded in to your perfect, ideal woman. I’m perfect for someone, and that someone isn’t you.
I made it this long being this way. Don’t try to change me. Accept me for me, or walk on.
[Song Can’t Change Me by Chris Cornell / one of my absolute favorite songs]
He was travelling. And he emailed me as soon as he could.
However, that was the exception, not the rule. This might be the longest communication in a very long time, given that he’s seen my pictures already! And one of them I even didn’t have makeup on!
It’s from here that I’m not sure what to do. I love having short messages to read in the AM (we get up at the same time), and short messages in the evening. Something to look forward to. But do I continue on? Since I emailed him first do I initiate further interaction via actual email, phone or in person? Since I initiated the conversation I feel like I should initiate further contact. Right?
I do actually want to meet him eventually. But at the same time I don’t want to rush it. We’re getting to know each other, and I like that. But I don’t want to let myself get content with that either, because I’ll flit on to the next eventually. I’ve let too many good guys go in the past, when I recognize them now I try to hold on for dear life.
What an odd situation to be in…
So I get that excuse all the time at work, “I didn’t do it”…”it wasn’t me”…
I love it, especially when they’re lying to my face. (sarcasm people)
But in dating? Sometimes, it’s the truth. I absolutely hate it when you’re having a decent conversation with someone and then they just stop. Doesn’t matter how they were conversing – you’ve put a lot of effort in to these emails/messages/texts/etc, and they just fall off the face of the Earth.
It’s frustrating because I know who I am, and I know that I am a kick ass girlfriend. And, I know I’m good looking (it definitely helps when I get messages with nothing but “sexy” or “gorgeous” or “beautiful”; talk about positive reinforcement).
But I’m also opinionated, white (see previous post), overweight, curse quite a bit (though not at first), and am very passionate in certain areas of my life (bedroom included). I exude confidence – I kid you not. More often than not I scare people away because I don’t seem like I need anyone else. Which I don’t. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want someone to cuddle with, or go to the movies with, or go to dinner with. That also doesn’t mean I’m actually 99% of the time too afraid to say anything out of fear of rejection. The guy I finally gave my number to? Not a word since.
I hate having to censor what I say, or second guess myself with every email/text/call/etc. I do that enough at work; when dating I should be able to be myself. ~Side note – I will admit I changed my pictures around to show the more “flattering” side of me, thanks to feedback here, but it hasn’t really made a difference in quantity or quality. At least not yet – I did just start back.
OMG stop with the fucking Deuces people. It’s not cool. Sorry… Nor is it cool to dress like a thug, ever. Period. Just stop. It’s especially stupid when you’re 40. With children. Can I actually say that to people? “I won’t respond to your messages because you’re ‘throwing up the deuces’ in your pictures”? Cause I’d sure like to.
Just got another message telling me how pretty I am…2 in 13 minutes…this happens a lot, even when I had the other pictures up. While flattering, most comments are from people I would never considering dating for various reasons.
Can you tell I just logged on?
But still no message from the guy I do want to hear from. Whatever. I’ve got shit to do. Ciao y’all.
And that’s a fact.
Not that I’m bothered by that, because my preferences don’t usually run to the pale faced men.
The irritating part about liking men of different colors is the reaction from everyone else. My mom has even asked me before what I have against white guys. I let her know I have nothing against them, it’s them who have a problem with me. My lips are too big and my body is too curvy. This might be a stereotype, but in my experience most white men prefer thin stick like women with boobs.
I am not stick thin, never have been, don’t really want to be. I’ve always been plush in areas most other white women aren’t, and I love my lips.
All that being said, it doesn’t mean I won’t drool over a bad boy type with tattoos and piercings. My last post was based on a real life interaction, just changed and embellished. If it ended like my post did I wouldn’t be here right now typing this. He’s damn hot, and smart to boot. And white! But young; too young to want what I want. And that’s ok; at least I can say I tried.
And I totally just gave my number out. Baby steps, but I’m getting there. And no, he wasn’t white. But he’s very nice to look at, nice, has a good job, wasn’t wearing a wedding ring, and speaks proper English. If you meet those criteria I don’t discriminate against the color of your skin.