, , , , , , , ,

*contains movie spoilers about The Perks of Being a Wallflower. You’ve been warned.

I know evil, and evil knows me.

To know evil, look inside me.

Just because it isn’t immediately evident doesn’t mean it isn’t lurking inside, waiting for the right moment to pop out and take over.

I live, feed and thrive off anger. I carry anger deep inside, along with an ever present fear of the unknown, fear of rejection, fear of getting in trouble.

I watched The Perks of Being a Wallflower today. I wish I had known ahead of time what it was about. I wish I hadn’t watched it, because now I can’t shake it. I go through my daily life ignoring my past, hoping over time it will fade. But it doesn’t. While I don’t have blackouts, or suicidal thoughts or attempts, it doesn’t mean I’m not just as fucked up as that poor kid Charlie. Except mine was on display for the entire fucking world to see, in real time.

Will I ever get over it? Probably not.  Will I ever be able to completely come to terms with it? Probably not. How exactly do you completely move past something like that? The fear, hurt, trauma, anger….someone you trust, absolutely trust and love…how dare they. How fucking dare they. To prey on a child is the absolute sickest thing a human being can do. That child trusts you. The difference between good and evil, right and wrong, is still being formed in their brain, and you just pave the road to hell for them. How dare you.

For me, it wasn’t my aunt, it was my father. All things considered, I’d like to think I made it out relatively well. I still hide, but I know I do. I can talk about it, and [now] don’t mind going to therapists when it gets to be too much to handle. Does this color how I handle certain things in my daily life? Of course. Do I try to rise above it? Absolutely. He chose to be evil. I choose not to. Thank God I didn’t inherit more than some genetic issues (like being fat) from that worthless piece of flesh. I recognize that each person is an individual, and you have choice of what kind of person you want to be. I want to leave a positive effect on this planet. Maybe it will offset some of the evil he fostered. Maybe someone will hear what I have to say, see what I’ve overcome, and realize it is possible to move on, to deal with it instead of giving in to the fear, the anger, the hurt.

We all falter over things we’ve been through, because they shaped who we are today. But part of growing up is learning how to overcome the bad stuff, and make new good stuff. It hurts. And it’s hard. You never know when something will set you off, like this movie did for me, and you never know how long it will take to recover from each episode. I can tell you I’m not sure what will shake me out of this one. It doesn’t help that I had a really crappy weekend, including getting a bad (very bad) haircut that makes me feel uber self conscious, had a busted “girls night out” last night, and spent all day today doing nothing except watching movies that hit way too close to home. Oh, and tomorrow is Monday at a job that takes a pretty huge toll on me as it is.

But that’s ok. I’ve made it through before, and I’ll do it again.

I know evil. But that evil doesn’t have to be me.