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So I’ve been absent for a long while. Is it because something awesomely wonderful happened?

Of course not.

Same shit, different day, every day.

It is so hard to be optimistic when there are no choices. And I’m wrong in saying that, because I have choices, they just don’t excite me. I was talking to a guy for a few days, maybe even a week, and then incidentally he purposely misconstrued a conversation and disappointed one of my friends. Not just a friend, the friend. The one guy that we never seem to be single at the same time. But guess what?

We are now.

However, I don’t know if it will ever go anywhere. Sometimes he seems to genuinely care, other times like he’s just putting up with me. He is under a massive amount of stress right now, and I know I get cagey when I’m uber stressed. I’m keeping it light, trying to help keep him smiling, because in the end he is a friend first and foremost.

But back to the other guy…I liked talking to him, but he got too clingy too fast. Maybe he felt a connection that I didn’t. That’s why a lot of times I don’t even answer guys I’m not attracted to, because I end up feeling like this. Sometimes I just want someone to have a decent conversation with, not feel like they are boxing me in.

But part of me is beginning to wonder if my “holdout” for my guy, or holding out for what I want, is starting to get in the way of reality. I’m just not sure. I don’t want to settle for someone who is less than what I want. I want it all, and for me, my all is different than most. I want someone like me. A few differences are fine, but I can’t even seem to nail two or three. It’s disheartening.

However, I do think I finally realized why I can be comfortable around married men, or men in committed relationships – they’re safe. They are off the market, and I can be myself and not worry about it. There’s no pressure. But heaven forbid get me in front of a single guy and it all goes downhill. I don’t think I’ve always been like this, and I wish I could stop it. It sucks.

Despite my dating depression and hesitation, it still doesn’t mean I’m going to go out with the “are you busy tonight” guys. Seriously? Grow the fuck up. I work a real job for a living, I’m busy every night. Be a man, ask me out, don’t ask me for a hookup.

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