Tags

, , , , ,

Through the years I’ve had on again/off again depression. I know the signs of an oncoming bout. But I don’t know how to stop it.
I hate medication, it hinders my brain function too much. Often I find when I’m depressed my creativity level goes up, but I hate the side effects – no sleep or bad sleep, spontaneous crying, inability to focus (like ADHD on steroids), and the constant fear of failure.
I know my job doesn’t help, and I’m trying to change that, but it’s definitely not easy or fast.
It also doesn’t help knowing that each payday comes and goes and I’m no better off than I was.
I’m not hiding – I am showing up for work, I’m volunteering, I’m going to family functions…but it all feels forced. I feel like something is missing, and the problem is this morning I find myself justifying why my ex isn’t so bad.
That’s when I knew I had a problem.
On paper, he’s my perfect match. Funny, easy going, loves animals like I do (there is a difference between “loves animals” and “like I do”), likes and has tattoos, very tall, and overall a big teddy bear.
But the negatives….he’s possessive, he’s a cleptomaniac, he has no regard for responsibilities, he’s satisfied making no money but wants all the newest, latest and greatest gadgets and toys (and used my money to do it). 
The negatives do not out weigh the positives, not anymore. I justified it for a long time, but I want more out of life. He seemed perfectly content to just exist.
It’s hard to remind myself of those facts, but just typing it out helped. I want, expect and deserve much more than being treated like just a possession.
Let’s hope that’s enough to keep me going.

Advertisements