Oh, and put your damn shirt back on. Seriously.
How can I complain about being lonely when I’m turning people down?
Sometimes I feel like I’m running on a hamster wheel and it just won’t stop.
However, I usually have a reason I turn people down. Usually because we just don’t believe in what I consider fundamental points in my life – gay marriage is ok, abortion in some cases is ok, faith is not the be all end all, and you actually return texts/messages/phone calls. These choices are usually after the original criteria are met: tattoos are ok/great and pets are great and necessary.
Who knew so many people out there hold so much hate?
Lastly, if we dated and you disappeared, then pop back up and blame me, why do you think I would consider dating you again? Seriously?
Last week I got to watch a couple who is truly in love. It was beautiful. Despite their differences, they’ve overcome everything to end up together. That is what I’m looking for. Someone I can look at and know they love me as much as I love them, no exceptions.
I have a tendency, as all females do, to look towards the future after a good series of dates, day dream about the what ifs. My level of hope rises, and the slightest perceived set back is upsetting. I wish I didn’t react like that. I wish I knew how to react. I normally have no problem making the first move, but when I’m really starting to like someone I second guess everything I say and do.
For instance, due to life circumstances I finally met someone a year or more after first introductions. It went very well, until yesterday, when the conversation grew short and eventually stopped. I’ve heard nothing today. This is where the second guessing comes in. Did I make him mad because I spent yesterday doing things I needed to do? Or am I just overreacting? If it’s the first, he can kiss my ass. If it’s the second do I wait for a message from him? Or do I send something. As much as I want the interaction I think I need to wait and see if he contacts me.
I hate this part. I wish I could just tell him how I feel and be done with it. Can it work like that?
I need conversation. I need flirtation. I need to go out with someone who actually wants to spend time with me.
I’m not trying nearly as hard as I used to. I keep waiting for the universe to bring me The One. But I wonder if the universe thinks I need more time. I’m still floundering. I feel better about myself, but still feel like something is missing. Almost like there is a part of me I haven’t discovered yet.
Until then, I’ll keep learning, doing and exploring. I’m making new friends an meeting new people. I’m not hiding anymore. I even wore a pair of capris this week, in public! Oh, I also got accepted in to college too, and should start this month. It’ll put me majorly further in debt, but with no degree I’ll just continue to flounder.
I hope everyone out there is hanging in. I’ve been so busy I’ve barely been able to keep up with things going on around me.
My love life is currently nonexistent, and that is ok. Except for the fact that the rest is in disarray. My animals have been infected by a virus two of them can’t shake and I fear for their lives. We made progress at work getting rid of someone who chose to hate me (I’ve never, ever in my life been called those names or been accused of things I have never done). Various family members are very ill.
I feel like I’m missing something. Like the power(s) that be are trying to send me a message, and I don’t know what that message is. I know that sometimes it’s just life, but in the past there has been an underlying root cause or message.
This time? I find myself wishing whatever it is comes to fruition quickly, or else my loose grip on what sanity I had left may completely slip away.