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About a month ago I signed up for one month on Match. Someone had sent me a wink and I liked his profile, so I figured it might be worth it. Turns out it was.

But me being the industrious person I am messaged a few others, and one responded. And kept responding.

So now I’m in the dilemma I don’t like – how to date two guys at one time. IF they last long enough I know one will move out as a front runner, but I don’t like doing it. I keep trying to tell myself that they’re probably doing it too, but I don’t want to know so I don’t ask.

One I have met, one I still need to meet. I will meet him, because I need to know if anything is there. They are just different enough that they appeal to different parts of my wants and needs.

Lets call them Geek and Nerd. I can do that because I’m both (more heavily a nerd though).

Geek – O M F G hot. Literally, I am amazed that he’s still single, but it’s probably because he’s a geek and socially awkward. He fits so many of my “physical” wants it’s uncanny, but then he also fulfills a lot of my “mental” needs too. Our first date lasted five hours, just spending time together. He’s also an animal lover and tattoo owner, my two non-negotiable’s. We’ve had four dates total. Nothing more physical than a hug, not even hand holding or anything, yet he hugged a friend of mine just fine after meeting for the first time. We do talk every day. At this point I’m not really sure where to go next. I know I like him because I hesitate to ask questions that might be risque, and I am a little more reserved than I usually am (in general).

Nerd – cute, very cute. Haven’t met yet but will soon. Our emails are insanely long. We have exchanged numbers but haven’t talked on the phone yet. I was pretty seriously busy the past month, and with adding these two I just haven’t had time for idle chit chat. He’s also an animal lover, doesn’t have tattoos (and is kind of scared to get any), but so far doesn’t seem to mind me having them or talking about getting more. I can be completely open and honest, and he can too, at least so far. My biggest issue is once we meet in person, if there’s chemistry then I start to act like I am with Geek.

I clam up after liking someone because I’m afraid I’ll run them off. Instead of acting like the me they were attracted to I morph in to an idiot. I really am OK being alone, I don’t know why I’m so worried about running them off. I think part of it is feeling inadequate. I can’t seem to keep a relationship together, it starts to make you think it really is you.

Needless to say I’m way jumping ahead, as usual. It’s only been a month, literally for both. I messaged both on the same day. I am trying to remind myself to slow down, that this is not life or death. Just because I don’t see Geek every few days doesn’t mean he isn’t interested, it just means we’re busy.

I don’t know. I feel like I’ll talk myself out of both of them, just so I don’t  have to fear them walking away first. It is SO HARD to just open up and let someone back in after what I’ve been through. What I really need to do is just be myself. That’s really the bottom line. If they stick around, then they’re worth it. I’m worth it.