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For the first time in a long time I’m regretting my way of life. Just a few short months ago I thought I had a good handle on it. But now the depression is getting to me, and I can’t shake it. I’m wondering why I did what I did to get in this deep, why did I leave where I was, I was partially happy. Had I known and just stayed a little longer I would’ve had a job offer that quite possibly would have ment I could have stayed put. But I didn’t. I was thinking long term, a real career, something to be proud of. But in the end is that what I want out of life? I want to do something good, change the world. Instead I feel trapped on a hamster wheel of my own making. I have no money, more debt than I wanted, and I’ve left my friends behind. Why do I keep waking up every day, hoping something will be different? I know this is classic depression, and I’m just letting myself get further and further in. I don’t know how to make it stop. I don’t know what to do. I don’t have the time to volunteer like I used to. I barely have time to see the few friends I have here and maintain a 4.0. My house is a wreck, I’ve lost interest in my boyfriend, and I gained all the weight back that I’d lost plus some. The list goes on and on. I haven’t been this low since my ex left me after 7 years together. Why can’t I just be happy and thankful for what I have? Why do I put so much pressure on myself, take on so much?
I just wish I didn’t feel like this. I wish I didn’t have these episodes. I don’t want to have to have a therapist on stand by.
I just want to feel normal again.