More realizations and more growing up

Tags

alternative relationship, dating, friends with benefits, living alone, relationships, single life

I want to find someone as intoxicating as they find me.
I want to wallow in the passion, rejoice in the good times, and live peacefully during the rest.
I’m rethinking my ideas of relationships.
As I get older I value my space and my time. While I want someone to be around when things get rough, or I need a date, I don’t necessarily want to come home to someone or wake up next to someone. My ideal relationship is someone who lives close, but has their own life, but is someone I would prefer to hang out with over any one else.
I’m beginning to think I need to find a new crowd to hang with, and get on my own feet again.

P.S. You know you have an awesome fwb when you are sending sexy messages and stop to swap nerd comments about software.

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I hid something from myself

Tags

dating, friendship

Ever heard the phrase about the person who protests too much? Apparently I am that person. For the past few months I’ve been hanging out with a group of people, but when I leave them I feel sick at my stomach. Tonight, after leaving a rather fun event, I finally realized why – I like a guy. Damn it. I don’t want to like him. I want to be a friend, have a friend, enjoy group outings. But until I can box those feelings up I probably need to stay far, far away. I need to expand my friend group anyway.

I feel alone

Tags

alone, lonely, moving on, sadness, winter

I don’t know if I’m lonely, or just feeling alone. I am normally 10000000% happy bei,ng alone…but in the end I think if it’s a choice I’m ok with it. If it’s because I can’t find anyone to hang out with it makes me sad. Not that I used to have a ton of people to just hang out with….just a select few who were always there. Sometimes you want to act like you’re 21. Sometimes you want to act like you’re 40. I miss having my range of friends to do that with. I have friends here, but they all have set plans for their days. I’m new, an interloper, and my newness is wearing off. Or maybe I’m over the new and exciting parts. Every day is the same: wake up, work, home, homework, sleep, repeat. Now it’s the dead of winter, and staying in is more fun than going out. But I’m not at that level yet to be invited to things like that.
But even as I type this I think about the new people I’m meeting every day. I haven’t had enough time to squeeze outside of my box. I can’t let myself get down. I moved because I needed to get away so I could be me. And maybe the me right now is boring. I have to accept it and be ok with it. Boring is better than devastated.