Occasionally you’ll find yourself in a situation that leaves you feeling a little left out. These days that is just about every day for me. The job I moved for, the job I loved…I’m in the same place I was before. I thought I had finally landed somewhere I could shine, and instead I’m being told that who I am, what makes me a good employee, hurts other people’s feelings. I like helping people. I’d like to think I don’t lack empathy – I freaking rescue animals in my very little spare time! I lack the patience for those who choose to be ignorant, who choose to continue to not help themselves or learn from their mistakes. Why do I have to be punished because other people can’t learn about themselves? Learn how you learn and take note because it probably won’t change. And then set out to ensure that when you have to learn something, you find a way to learn it that sticks.
I’ve overcome great odds to be where I’m at today. But at every turn I feel the world pushing back. As much as I don’t want to let it defeat me, I’ve lost myself. I can’t remember what it’s like to be me anymore. I do feel defeated. I do feel pushed down. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the raw truth of depression.
My way out? A rallying point. A goal for the home stretch. A decision on what I need in my life, not what other people say I need. It’s a long road, but everything in life is. Except I can’t see it right now. It’s like every little setback is a nightmare, and I’m on a roller coaster from hell. A hell that only my brain is experiencing.
I’ve been presented with a challenge that has left me feeling helpless. I need my support group – that I no longer have. At work everyone is absolutely great, but once we leave I’m on my own. I thought writing would be cathartic but tonight it is not. I wish I knew how to stop feeling like this.