So yes, apparently, time flies. There is no stop button, no halt, just a never ending cycle of waking and sleeping and eating (or trying not to). I’ve been on a journey this past year, a journey I didn’t know I needed to take. A journey that left me with so many questions, and yet gave me too many answers.
I experienced a moment where I felt truly empty – not a bad thing or good thing, just nothing. I was seeing my life, the world, from a different view point, and I didn’t know how to react. Do I smile, do I cry, do I introduce myself or do I hide? Is it ok to hide?
I’ve made no secret of my depression, but what I wasn’t aware of was the root cause. The reasons were so beyond what I realized it hurt to let them out. It hurt to let them go, because I don’t know anything else. I don’t think I know how to be in a relationship without shame, fear, hurt and anger. I don’t know how to react to day to day things without anger – that was my security blanket. At least that way I knew how to respond. But now? I’m a little lost. I keep reminding myself that feelings are OK – if I want to hide, do it, but because I want to – not because I’m afraid. If I’m angry, try to find out why. Same for when I am sad.
I’m also trying to learn how to be happy. Especially in the moment. Take things at face value, and remember the joy they brought. Realize that I am not the only one facing hidden demons, but revel in the fact that I am so much stronger than I realized. I’ve always been the strong one, the adult, the loyal, reliable one, and now I realize that is OK. It is a good thing to be those things. It doesn’t make me weak, or an outcast, or just plain weird – that is what makes me who I am. And that is nothing to be ashamed of.
So for now I’m learning day by day. Taking each moment in to consideration, and letting go of the moments that aren’t worth keeping. It is hard – it is a struggle. But I’m finally doing what is right for me, and right now, that is enough.