So as I sit here alone, drinking (which is highly unusual for me), I’m contemplating what 2012 meant, and what 2013 could mean.
I start to try to remember what happened this year, and most of what I remember are negatives. That is not a good thing. The positives should greatly outweigh the negatives, in my opinion. But it’s a bunch of little bad things, that seemed significant to me. I was called out at work, which has never happened, and I still feel it was unjustified and handle inappropriately. I had several months of potentially life threatening illness in almost all of my animals. I went further in to debt. I went through a few brief relationships, one of which still makes me sad that I couldn’t see past his past, for it was shaping who he was becoming, and another that put me in to debt to a ridiculous man. I’m facing serious home remodeling with no money to put towards it, but it’s absolutely necessary.
So I need to try to focus on the positives. My animals are alive and healthy, and I even managed to rescue and raise kittens and they’re doing great. I started volunteering. I got some tattoos finished, covered, and a brand new one to share with a best friend for life. I kept my job, and not only did I keep it I managed to stifle enough of myself to get praise from the boss and get a bonus. While stifling myself may seem like a positive, it’s better than being me and getting fired. I need a job until I figure out what it really is I want to do. I’m growing my hair to donate next summer. I didn’t take my ex back, nor beg for him to come back. I got to travel out of the country, even if it didn’t go the way I wanted it to. I started this blog and actually have people following it – thank you, thank you, thank you!
So the ultimate question is what do I want 2013 to bring for me? Simple things. A simple life. Life is not easy, I know this, but what I do know is that I need more healing, I need more friends, I need to connect with the friends I do have on a more regular basis. I need to appreciate my family, and what they continue to do for me. I need to realize that 30 is coming quick, and I had set goals for myself that I am no where near reaching. But I will – because I don’t know any other way.
So, my resolutions for 2013, for all the world to see:
1. Enjoy life. Find things I like to do and actually DO THEM. Stop relying on other people to invite me to things, or waiting on them. Act my damn age for once!
2. Lose weight. I know everyone says this but for me it’s becoming an issue. The longer I don’t, the more health problems I’ll face. I have enough issues as it is, if I can prevent some then I need to do something about it. I’m ordering gym equipment tonight, or at minimum some DVDs to get started. I want a minimum of 50lbs gone by the end of the year. Considering I need to drop 100, I think 50 is fair.
3. Stop trying so damn hard to find someone to be with. I find I’m not completely comfortable with myself still, so how can I expect someone else to be?
4. Decide what to do about college. I say it’s easy for me to finish, but that’s a lie. I’m afraid of failure. I’m afraid of going further in to debt just to fail out, and I can’t that thought. So I need to decide to suck it up and do it, or stop bitching about it.
5. Continue to volunteer, and maybe expand the organizations I volunteer with. There are several local and national organizations that always need help, and I think it would help me too.
See, that list isn’t too bad. 5 things, some of which are already on track. I’ve already dropped a shirt size, don’t know how, but I did. I’m already volunteering. I’ve stopped trolling the dating websites because I keep getting the same shit. I’ve tried to take some free courses, and at least learned what I don’t want to do. But…enjoy life? That’s the hardest one for me. I’m a giver, a caretaker, a leader. I lead at work but it isn’t the same, because I’m not allowed to do some things the way I want to, or feel they need to be done. My animals need me, but it’s not the same as having a human to buy gifts for, or cook for, or send sweet texts during the day that make me smile. I just realized I’d probably make a great mother, and having kids isn’t really a want of mine. Especially not alone. Maybe it’s time I really start looking in to fostering-I’ve thought about it before, but maybe this is it. I need to get my house done, but what better incentive is there than that? Helping a child, especially one I can relate to because of my past; what a rewarding experience that could be.
So there you have it. 12 months in a nutshell, and a 5 hopes for the next 12. Can I do it? Yes. Will I do? I damn sure hope so. I need to do it. For me, for my family and friends, and for those that I might be able to help by going through what I go through.
Happy New Year’s everyone. May your evening be fun and safe, and your year full of fun and life.