The theme of my life has been “loss”. Various stages have provided various versions, but in the end it leaves me feeling the same, lost and alone. We all know that feeling. But I hate when it happens when you least expect it. Where you hide your heart, withhold your feelings, and last minute – before they leave – you find out they felt the same. But circumstances are in effect, and sometimes it’s just easier to pretend it didn’t happen. It still hurts just as much as if something did happen, because feelings and emotions are still involved. I feel better equipped to deal with them now, but honestly, I’m wondering if the pain is truly worth the path.
I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to give up as bad as I do right now. Not suicide, please don’t mistake me. I’m talking about this notion that I thought I could make my life better, thought I could do more. How long do I plug away when all the signs point to giving up? These tests or trials or this shit called life, I’ve fucking had enough. Every day is something else, every day is something devastating. It’s like I’m getting a beating, and some of the blows are shallow – they hurt but only bruise. But some of them are strong enough to break skin and bone. And they just keep coming. I don’t know what to do, except get up tomorrow and see what it brings. I don’t think I have a choice anymore, I’m just a passenger on someone else’s train ride
I’m pretty certain I’ve titled a post like this already, but damn am I feeling my age.
Firstly, I find myself attracted to older men at work, because at work I don’t see their age, I see their personality and behaviors. While I can’t seriously consider them as dating partners, it makes me feel my age – how young my age says I am, and how old my personality really is, which does not match my age in years.
Secondly, the younger men (my age) I do find myself attracted to still have “something” that turns me off. Bad grammar, bad speaking skills, lives at home, doesn’t have a car, doesn’t have a job, etc, etc, etc.
Every day my list seems to grow of things I don’t like or won’t put up with anymore, but that means my dating pool gets smaller and smaller. I think at this point I just don’t want to settle. What’s the point? I also think I’m not emotionally ready to give up my way of life for someone else…but then again, I also think that if you find the right fit, you don’t lose anything. Maybe that’s idealist or romanticist, but in the end I feel like I’ve dealt with enough in my life that I should now get to chose who I let in. And if that means I lose out on potential dating partners, so be it.
Adele’s newest release, Hello, really strikes a cord with me. Over the years there have only been a handful of people I wish I could go back to and say “I’m sorry.”
The ultimate pain comes when I see them succeeding at life and I’m failing….failing of my own accord, for the same reasons I failed them.
As I get older I realize I am not happy with myself, and maybe I never truly have been. I’ve lived my entire life to please someone else, to make sure I didn’t disappoint them….all while disappointing myself. I know only I can change it, but I’m scared. I’m scared as to what the world will hold when I finally embrace myself. I’m scared of failing. I’m scared of the consequences if I quit trying.
I don’t know how to be me. I don’t know how to break out of this stupid mold I’ve created and simply just be. And until I can do that I don’t think I’ll ever truly be free.
I keep trying to remind myself of this. Remind myself to let shit go.
Find something, anything, that makes you happy. That makes you smile. It doesn’t have to be a person, it can be a quote or a picture or a piece of jewelry.
Be happy. Don’t worry about what others think. In the end, we are only able to change ourselves, but we should never lose ourselves for the sake of someone else.
Hate, regret, bitterness…we all become jaded so quickly.
I wish I had the answers. I wish I could accept myself fully, for all my flaws both past and present, and realize that maybe it is only truly me that still feels this way. What if the others have moved on, and I’m stuck back here alone?
I made that world for myself, and I need to find out how to escape. What is my key that will unlock me, and everything I hold inside?
I know we all harbor these unanswered questions. This post is really about letting others know you are not the only one who has thoughts like these. You are not the only one who fights constant internal battles.
In the end, we all do, but remember :
In the end, you are responsible for your own happiness.
So make it so.
I don’t know if I’m lonely, or just feeling alone. I am normally 10000000% happy bei,ng alone…but in the end I think if it’s a choice I’m ok with it. If it’s because I can’t find anyone to hang out with it makes me sad. Not that I used to have a ton of people to just hang out with….just a select few who were always there. Sometimes you want to act like you’re 21. Sometimes you want to act like you’re 40. I miss having my range of friends to do that with. I have friends here, but they all have set plans for their days. I’m new, an interloper, and my newness is wearing off. Or maybe I’m over the new and exciting parts. Every day is the same: wake up, work, home, homework, sleep, repeat. Now it’s the dead of winter, and staying in is more fun than going out. But I’m not at that level yet to be invited to things like that.
But even as I type this I think about the new people I’m meeting every day. I haven’t had enough time to squeeze outside of my box. I can’t let myself get down. I moved because I needed to get away so I could be me. And maybe the me right now is boring. I have to accept it and be ok with it. Boring is better than devastated.
I think the finality of my relationship has hit. Being the one that was “abandoned”, it took me a lot longer than him (who had a new gf already) to finally realize “it’s over”.
Those of you who’ve been through breakups understand this feeling, I’m sure. And I’m sure I’m not the only person, even in my city, going through this right now.
But, damn it, this sucks.
I’m not sure if this year is worse because I saw him with her, or if because I feel so alone. I feel angry, hurt, heartbroken and alone. I don’t want to be with family tomorrow. I’m not sure I’d even want to be with friends at this point. So my only outlet is writing a new post here, hoping that by the end of it I’ll at least feel a little bit better, even if I don’t have a direction yet.
I miss home. Not that it makes a difference, but I miss the coast, with the water and wind and waves and sand. They’re having the same weather I am now, but the difference is being able to drive a bit and see the ocean – here, I’ve got a minimum of a 6 hour drive, and even then it’s always cold as ice. I want to run screaming back towards it, towards people who accept you for all of you, and don’t immediately judge, or argue with you just because you think differently than they do and they are always right.
It may not make a difference. Maybe I’ve been away too long. Maybe I’ve grown so used to the slow and steady that I’d falter in the normal world. And, seriously, men and women there are no different here when it comes to dating. You still get the people just out for ass, the people who want to get married NOW, the people who string you along because they aren’t happy in their own life.
I find myself wanting to go out, wanting to show the world I AM ME, I am my own person, but I’m scared. I’m scared to walk in to a bar or restaurant alone. There are things I want to do and see but I’m so afraid of running in to someone I know and feeling awkward I don’t. I flew across an ocean alone and was fine, but I freak out eating by myself. What the fuck.
How I come across to people matters to me. I hate to get in trouble, or be a disappointment. I can’t stand someone feeling ill will against me. I carry an exaggerated sense of responsibility – probably a result of what I’m guessing is truly obsessive-compulsive disorder.
So I’m stuck in a wheel of my own making. I truly don’t mind being alone. Spending time by myself is almost preferable to the company of most people. I can easily amuse myself for days without needing another soul to talk to. But what I realized this morning is part of my problem – I like taking care of people. That’s part of the reason I have so many animals. I don’t jump up and down at the thought of cleaning a litter box, but the reward for saving kittens is worth it to me. I miss having a human to buy for, to send sweet text messages or emails to. I’m a romantic at heart, and enjoy making others smile, especially if they are important to me.
Everyone keeps saying “when you stop looking you’ll find someone”. It’s not that easy for me. Does anyone find it easy? I feel like I can’t find a balance when I’m public – for instance, if I see a cute guy do I smile or look away like I’m not interested? Define “stop looking”. Stop trolling the dating sites – sure, I get that. But how do I act in public? Ignore everyone around me? Then I come across as a bitch. For that matter I’ve never been approached in public that I can remember, even when I was “skinny” by modern terms. The places I found people were school and work. Well, I’m not in school any more and don’t really want to be, and everyone I work with is married. So what’s left? I don’t have a lot of friends, my ex saw to that. I feel like a leper when I approach people I went to high school with – they’ve all moved on. The newer friends I have are married with kids, or live to far away to just hang out. How do you make new friends? I started volunteering recently, but when the events are over people scatter back to their normal lives. Maybe over time I’ll find someone there to at least expand my friends list with.
Being an adult is hard enough without the added stress of trying to find new friends and new partners.
So here’s to a Christmas Eve truly alone, no Christmas lights or tree up, no Christmas music playing. Just me and my blog, and lots of questions that float unanswered.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.
Lately I find myself remembering specific events or people from past relationships. I don’t end up with a smile on my face; I actually end up feeling sad.
I’m remembering the good and bad times. Wracking my brain, trying to figure out what went wrong, what went right, and how do I recreate the best parts?
I think I’m wearing relationship goggles (thanks writers at How I Met Your Mother). I remember the good times like they were the best ever, and gloss over the bad. But the bad was BAD, otherwise we’d still be together.
I just can’t shake the feeling that I’m missing something. That there is a moment or feeling or something I need to remember to learn from, and my subconscious recognizes that.
Or am I really just purging my past relationships? Maybe they all carried a lot more meaning than I realized, and now being alone (against my will) makes me realize that. There are a few specific people I’m holding in my thoughts and dreams, and I’m slowly moving through them based on their significance to me.
Or am I really so actually lonely that I’m desperately seeking a way back in to these peoples lives? Which is so morally and emotionally wrong I’m not even going to elaborate that point. What’s done is done.
So I start my Saturday very early, and very alone. Maybe one day my “emotional brain” will catch up with my “logical brain” and realize that I can be happy alone.
Disclaimer: this is a rant and it contains foul language.
A few weeks ago I was having an AWESOME Friday and Saturday. Mid day Saturday I was completely deflated by a conversation that I still believe was unnecessary and was very hurtful. What ensued became almost two months of complete chaos and left a much bigger chunk of debt than I previously had. I was just recovering from that two month period when all of a sudden a similar episode transpired….
I had a wonderful, fulfilling “girl power” filled morning today, handling a few things on my own that I previously, foolishly, tried to get help with. Sometimes you just have to say “fuck it and fuck them, I can do it on my own.” And dammit I did. And then proceeded to have a wonderful rest of the day.
Then while sitting at home, still in a good mood, I get that phone call that does nothing but piss me off. I had a GREAT day and someone felt the need to bring me down.
The bad part…both incidents are directly related to immediate family.
*GASP* I know, right? Big shocker there.
They seem to have a sixth sense to know exactly when to knock me down. Not that I needed any more cosmic help being metaphorically beaten, but what the hell, what’s one or two more things? I’m a big girl, right? I can handle it.
Except I’m really damn tired of handling it, especially handling it alone. I’m really damn tired of people telling me what I should and shouldn’t do. I’m really damn tired of people judging me and my situation before they know the real reason why.
I was in a relationship for seven years. Living together for five. Up until a year ago there were two incomes coming in, and while things may have been tight then they are 100% worse now. I have all the same bills but only one income. And dammit I’m trying as hard as I can to do this on my own, but this shit isn’t easy. Not only is it financially difficult, it is emotionally difficult to handle crisis after crises alone.
All I ask for is a moment of peace. A moment of clarity. A moment of…anything that doesn’t involve me having to make a life altering decision in a moments notice.
I’m beginning to think that’s too much to ask.
It’s easy to be alone, but to be lonely is hard to bear. I find myself wishing for company other than the four-legged kind I have roaming my house. Sometimes a good conversation is enough, but sometimes it just can’t replace physical interaction. I don’t mean sex. I mean the non verbal communication between people.
We do it every day, during all sorts of conversations. But to have a meaningful conversation with someone I truly like? That makes my day. That is what I miss. That is what I crave. That is what I’m looking for.
Why is it so hard to find? I find myself turning away more people than I accept (as far as dating goes) because I rely in that spark, that instant connection where you just know that the other person is worth knowing.
Maybe I’m jaded. Or maybe I’m too lonely to see what’s right in front if my face.
Or maybe I’m right in that the art of conversation is dying. I find it harder and harder to carry on conversations with people, men and women alike, business related and personal. In this digital age we keep in touch too often, and everything we say, think or do is suddenly common knowledge around the globe. I no longer feel like I can pose random questions to my friends and have a lively debate, because so many people feel the need to interject bullshit instead of intelligent comments. I’ll gladly welcome your opinion if you are serious about debating the topic. If you choose to take the topic, twist it and go in your own person rant, go the hell away.
Social media has taken over our lives and, to me, no longer in a good way. I do truly believe that Facebook is not a good thing anymore. It was fun when you got to connect with people you hadn’t seen in years…but then the stupidity took over. Then comes Twitter, and the list goes on and on and on. When did these mediums replace face to face conversation? Hell even phone conversations?? Most of the time I’ll call people and get no response, look at Facebook and damn if they didn’t post something 30 seconds ago!
Never mind what this has done to dating! I’ve got a few people I’m talking to that I’ve never spoken to before! That’s insane! But for some reason people choose to hide behind the shield of their cell phones and social media and think it’s perfectly acceptable.
It’s not acceptable to me. I need language and conversation and flirting amd intellectual stimulation! Is there any one else out there who feels the same?