Tonight, I think, marked the beginning of the final end. The end where he moves out and moves on. Probably not in the next week or so, but I seriously doubt it will last through the summer. I’m ready, I really am. The week of peace was nice. Yes it’s frustrating sometimes to be responsible and come home to take care of the dogs, but it was my choice to have them. It’s also frustrating knowing you have to find people to help if you need a ride somewhere and aren’t able to drive. But in the end, people do it every day. And the peace of mind is absolutely worth any hurdles that may come.
Am I really ready to do this? Am I really ready to face going forward alone, to start the search yet again?
Sometimes it seems exciting, meeting new people, learning new things, trying new things. But the flip side is what I don’t want to deal with – the feelings that are one sided, phone calls/texts never returned. Being ridiculed and/or ignored. Being judged before we’ve ever even spoken.
But in the end, what really matters? My happiness, and the well being of those in my care. I need to quit holding other’s needs above my own. I need to focus, really focus, on who I am, what I want, and why I refuse to settle.
And who knows, maybe that path means I’ll be alone. But at least I’ll be happy.
I know this feeling will pass, but I hate this. I hate having to choose. Why do I do this? Why do I hurt people? Why am I so flawed?
The worst part is knowing I hurt him when he didn’t deserve to be hurt. He was just being himself, and I can’t live with that.
I think I might need counseling again. I think my scars run deeper than I’ve ever wanted to believe, and it colors every thing I do.
The next little while will be awkward, but in the end I know it was the right thing to do.
Sometimes life sucks, and love just isn’t worth it.
A solution is in sight. Plans need to be made and pushed right to the edge of go.
So close, yet so far. So much courage needed to render so much heartbreak, it feels like an oxymoron.
When should I do it? What should I say? Do I try to have control or do I just let it all out?
Do I choose the shortest amount of words and walk away?
Writing right before bed seems to be helping. While I’m still depressed I feel less urgent about it, a little less angry. This is partially why I started blogging in the first place.
Tonight’s topic is my work crush. Today another new girl started, and this time she’s gorgeous AND smart. And without a wedding or engagement ring. Not that that means much these days, but for the single guys at the office it promotes immediate interest. She’s nice, too, did I mention that?
So needless to say the later the day gets the more I obsess over someone I have ABSOLUTELY NO CLAIM TO, and really shouldn’t even be thinking about. The problem is this issue was present for a lot longer than a few months. Being able to see him daily makes it worse, even though he doesn’t look anything like I pictured, nor like my usual type. I keep telling myself I know nothing about him, not really, what if he’s a horrible person? What if he doesn’t like animals (and I have them)? What if, what if, what if…
The only thing keeping me from asking him anything is the fact that I have a boyfriend. Regardless of how unhappy I am, I don’t want to be that person that starts a relationship before the first ended. And yet I fear I will never know the truth – the last time I waited like this it ended up being too late, and now we live across the country from each other, and never had that chance to learn if we really could be good together.
So what do I do? Tell myself to let go? Actually ask the questions I want to ask? It would be a relief to hear he doesn’t think of me like that at all, because then I don’t have to worry about complications. I could go on with my plan and let it play out, without fear that I’m making the same mistake all over again.
And I really don’t want to resort to asking other people questions, as much as I want to. I don’t want the gossip, and I want to be respectful of his privacy.
Tomorrow’s another day. We’ll see how it plays out. You never know what tomorrow will bring.
How do you know, for sure, your relationship is over? Is it when you fight more than converse, complain more than usual, or when that feeling just isn’t there anymore?
What if it’s one sided? What if the girl wants to go but the guy wants her to stay? What if her way of life is dependent upon him? Do you wait until things are “better”? Is that really fair to either person?
At some point do we realize life is short and we deserve to be happy? Is it fair to only be partially happy, to live to be able to get away every day?
I get the feeling I know the answer. I may not like it, but I do. I think we all do.
Now it’s just a matter of making that leap and dealing with the consequences.
I have recently had issues with animals getting ill, and it’s costing me a small fortune. I have lamented to my ex regarding said issues because the one that broke the bank is actually his dog. So he tells me he meant to give me $40, and so I go cash the check today. Worked out well, right?
Wrong. So flipping wrong I would punch him if he was nearby. In the nuts.
See, we had a joint iTunes account, amd I haven’t really figured out a way to separate it without losing my stuff and trying not to burn bridges. However, apparently he meant for said $40 to go to a $40 purchase….not to help out with the shit storm he left me with by walking out.
I’m not really surprised. This is classic, typical him. This is Numero Uno as to why I started having issues with him in the first place.
Let’s just say things like this are a great reminder that people don’t change.
Lately I find myself remembering specific events or people from past relationships. I don’t end up with a smile on my face; I actually end up feeling sad.
I’m remembering the good and bad times. Wracking my brain, trying to figure out what went wrong, what went right, and how do I recreate the best parts?
I think I’m wearing relationship goggles (thanks writers at How I Met Your Mother). I remember the good times like they were the best ever, and gloss over the bad. But the bad was BAD, otherwise we’d still be together.
I just can’t shake the feeling that I’m missing something. That there is a moment or feeling or something I need to remember to learn from, and my subconscious recognizes that.
Or am I really just purging my past relationships? Maybe they all carried a lot more meaning than I realized, and now being alone (against my will) makes me realize that. There are a few specific people I’m holding in my thoughts and dreams, and I’m slowly moving through them based on their significance to me.
Or am I really so actually lonely that I’m desperately seeking a way back in to these peoples lives? Which is so morally and emotionally wrong I’m not even going to elaborate that point. What’s done is done.
So I start my Saturday very early, and very alone. Maybe one day my “emotional brain” will catch up with my “logical brain” and realize that I can be happy alone.
Disclaimer: this is a rant and it contains foul language.
A few weeks ago I was having an AWESOME Friday and Saturday. Mid day Saturday I was completely deflated by a conversation that I still believe was unnecessary and was very hurtful. What ensued became almost two months of complete chaos and left a much bigger chunk of debt than I previously had. I was just recovering from that two month period when all of a sudden a similar episode transpired….
I had a wonderful, fulfilling “girl power” filled morning today, handling a few things on my own that I previously, foolishly, tried to get help with. Sometimes you just have to say “fuck it and fuck them, I can do it on my own.” And dammit I did. And then proceeded to have a wonderful rest of the day.
Then while sitting at home, still in a good mood, I get that phone call that does nothing but piss me off. I had a GREAT day and someone felt the need to bring me down.
The bad part…both incidents are directly related to immediate family.
*GASP* I know, right? Big shocker there.
They seem to have a sixth sense to know exactly when to knock me down. Not that I needed any more cosmic help being metaphorically beaten, but what the hell, what’s one or two more things? I’m a big girl, right? I can handle it.
Except I’m really damn tired of handling it, especially handling it alone. I’m really damn tired of people telling me what I should and shouldn’t do. I’m really damn tired of people judging me and my situation before they know the real reason why.
I was in a relationship for seven years. Living together for five. Up until a year ago there were two incomes coming in, and while things may have been tight then they are 100% worse now. I have all the same bills but only one income. And dammit I’m trying as hard as I can to do this on my own, but this shit isn’t easy. Not only is it financially difficult, it is emotionally difficult to handle crisis after crises alone.
All I ask for is a moment of peace. A moment of clarity. A moment of…anything that doesn’t involve me having to make a life altering decision in a moments notice.
I’m beginning to think that’s too much to ask.
So my birthday is next week. This will be the first year in 7 years that I’m officially single. Last year didn’t really count because it was so soon after our decision to back away (literally like 2 weeks). So this year I wanted to throw a PAR-TY.
Ha ha. Ha.
I forget all my friends are married and/or have kids. That leaves….me. Correction – friends that would actually show up to a party are few as it is, but add in the husband/wife/kid factor and you can kiss it goodbye.
So, OK, whatever. I’ll see each one of the ones that matter individually, eventually, maybe. So maybe family could be my saving grace.
I can’t believe I just said that.
I suggested we go out to eat (tradition) at my current favorite restaurant…but no. Apparently I’m the only one who likes eating there. No shit people, it’s MY birthday!
So what will end up happening? Nothing, as usual. I’ll spend this upcoming 3 day weekend alone, or sucking it up and going to eat at the same damn restaurant with my family we always eat at, and then coming home. Alone.
Good thing I don’t mind being alone. And I do have a series of books I just started that I could easily convince myself to buy the third as a birthday gift to myself…
I think my weekend just started looking up!