The theme of my life has been “loss”. Various stages have provided various versions, but in the end it leaves me feeling the same, lost and alone. We all know that feeling. But I hate when it happens when you least expect it. Where you hide your heart, withhold your feelings, and last minute – before they leave – you find out they felt the same. But circumstances are in effect, and sometimes it’s just easier to pretend it didn’t happen. It still hurts just as much as if something did happen, because feelings and emotions are still involved. I feel better equipped to deal with them now, but honestly, I’m wondering if the pain is truly worth the path.
I’ve done a lot of self reflection lately, and I believe that’s been shown in my most recent posts. While that’s all fine and dandy, I’m still depressed. I have no interest in my school work, I feel like I’m in an endless loop at work, and my home life is so frustrating I usually don’t want to go home. On the plus side my weight loss plan is working, which is unusual considering how depressed I am. So I’m going to write out some random shit, and hope I can get some sleep, and maybe dream a dream that will define what my real problem is.
I just feel defeated. I feel like every waking moment of every day should mean something, and yet that meaning is just this empty void of sadness. I would say it’s because I miss my friends, but I think it’s more that I miss the companionship. I miss the ties we had, the things we had in common, and I could stop by and see them on a whim. Now I don’t have the friends. I have a few coworkers that I hang out with, but they’re coworkers, and I may be their boss one day. I had one really good friend who is now in a relationship, and I’ve been sidelined. I really don’t hold it against her, but it doesn’t help the sadness. I feel lost. Losing my best friend, so young, so suddenly, so stupidly, just hurts. I think I’m still struggling with that more than I realize, and it’s leaching in to everything I do. But how do you let it go? I’ll always wonder why. Why her, why now. Why couldn’t I help her. I’ve been on a pretty big kick the past few weeks trying to go out of my way to help everyone, and I’m exhausted. It’s so tiring trying to be there for everyone, and then coming home feeling like there’s no one in the world I can talk to. I know people understand grief, I do. And I know it takes time to get over it. But how do I make it through until the pain stops? I’m just going through the motions. Like none of it means anything. I can’t even bring myself to volunteer any more, or participate in social events.
I keep saying I’ll figure it out. But will I?