The theme of my life has been “loss”. Various stages have provided various versions, but in the end it leaves me feeling the same, lost and alone. We all know that feeling. But I hate when it happens when you least expect it. Where you hide your heart, withhold your feelings, and last minute – before they leave – you find out they felt the same. But circumstances are in effect, and sometimes it’s just easier to pretend it didn’t happen. It still hurts just as much as if something did happen, because feelings and emotions are still involved. I feel better equipped to deal with them now, but honestly, I’m wondering if the pain is truly worth the path.
I want to find someone as intoxicating as they find me.
I want to wallow in the passion, rejoice in the good times, and live peacefully during the rest.
I’m rethinking my ideas of relationships.
As I get older I value my space and my time. While I want someone to be around when things get rough, or I need a date, I don’t necessarily want to come home to someone or wake up next to someone. My ideal relationship is someone who lives close, but has their own life, but is someone I would prefer to hang out with over any one else.
I’m beginning to think I need to find a new crowd to hang with, and get on my own feet again.
P.S. You know you have an awesome fwb when you are sending sexy messages and stop to swap nerd comments about software.
Found this little gem today, check it out:
It actually answered some of the questions I feel I’ve been asking.
So much so that I don’t even really want to think about it right now.
Denial. Just gotta get through another weekend.
This is from the stance of being happy in your relationship…..
For those in relationships, how do you deal with having a crush on someone else? Do you stop it before it happens? Or does your love/devotion for your partner override any possibilities of acting (or wanting to act) on your thoughts?
From the stance of having lost romantic feelings for your partner….
Do you try to get those feelings back, stay in the relationship for the other perks, or let go and move on? Is letting go of the other perks worth losing the romantic part? But if the other person still has the romantic feelings, do you fake it?
I’m not a good enough actress to fake it. I hate holding on to someone when it’s only one sided. However, if I do say something, and it goes badly, I put myself in a horrific financial position that will take years to recover from, if ever. And then what if I end up being alone forever because no one else will put up with all my quirks?
Why do I over think everything?!?!?!
Now that I’m no longer in high school, I’ve often wondered how to approach someone you have a crush on, when you aren’t sure it’s reciprocated, you have mutual friends, and you have to see each other daily. I almost feel like saying something outright, like, hey, I have a crush on you, so that’s why I act weird around you all the time….I just wanted to get that out there, thanks for listening. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, and then just deal. I can easily avoid him until it’s no longer awkward, but if we’re as good as friends as I think we are it wouldn’t matter one way or another.
Then again, I question why I’m even considering this at all when I still technically have a boyfriend, even though he knows I’m not happy and we talk A LOT about why.
I keep hoping I wake up one morning and have the perfect solution, but obviously that hasn’t happened yet. So off to bed, to sleep another sleep and live another day.
Have you ever realized you simply traded one set of problems for another? That in trying to do the right thing, the adult thing, you get knocked on your ass just the same?
I am trying to ask myself if I was really that desperate, or I actually thought it could work? Being open and honest does work, but it also hurts. I suppose I should be thankful for his honesty, but I still feel …disappointed. In him and myself. No, he didn’t cheat, and he didn’t lie, but he fucked up. And I broke a rule to myself, which should never have happened.
It all makes me realize that you really can only trust yourself, and bending the rules just that one time can be enough to make you remember why you should never bend them.
So what am I going to do? I don’t know. What I do know is I’ll spend yet another night awake because of just one more thing to worry about. I can fuck up all on my own; I damn sure don’t need someone else to help me, or drag me down with them.
I realized something earlier this week, something that I’ve never really put effort in to thinking about before. “How I Met Your Mother” alluded to it, but I never seemed to grasp the truth behind it.
There is always a “reacher” and a “settler” in a relationship. But the terms I put it in made more sense to me – I can be someone’s “pretty”. I can be that goal that someone is reaching for, and instead all the while I’m putting effort in to reaching towards my unattainable. However, for me to stop and take stock of something more than what I think I want, I don’t feel like I would be settling. It’s more like I would be putting more stock in to brains than brawn for once, and getting rewarded for it. Finally.
It feels good. Great actually. On the outside, to the rest of the world, I can present a great facade. Always smiling, jovial, getting along with everyone, complete confidence in who I am. But on the inside I’m pure turmoil almost all the time. It’s hard to look in the mirror, knowing what I’ve been through and how I think, and think that anyone will ever actually like the whole package I have to offer.
I have issues. Deep seated issues that will probably never truly go away. I’m lucky I’ve made it this far with no addictions. Sure I have some OCD tendencies, and battle depression, but at least I didn’t turn to drugs or alcohol to drown it all out. Hell even prescription meds mess my head up so bad I refuse to go on them. I prefer having my mind functioning at it’s highest capacity. Those meds do nothing but slow everything down and jumble my thoughts.
I watched a movie the other night that helped reaffirm these thoughts, My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend. I’ll try not to spoil it to give you all a chance to watch it (available on Netflix), but the whole movie I kept thinking I want that! I want someone to awkwardly try to hold my hand, hold me close, kiss my forehead, to actually listen to me when I speak and not just brush it off. Someone who doesn’t forget a date (which totally, no joke, happened yesterday. After he tells me he’s “so excited” to meet me. Idiot.), and who actually goes out of his way to make sure I’m happy. What a way to actually be in a relationship.
Now let’s hope I don’t blow it all the first week after a realization of possibilities and the actual execution of them. Date #1 was excellent. Date #2 coming soon, keep your fingers crossed!
So I subjected myself to two romantic comedies this evening. Most of the time they put a smile on my face, and make me remember the good memories of dating, first loves, first kisses. But tonight they just made me sad.
I had a good day today. But I find myself wanting more. It is almost freezing outside, and not having someone to cuddle with, another warm human body in the house, is a little upsetting. I am an awesome woman. I am what every guy wants, and what every parent wants for their son. However, that does not work to my benefit. Instead, they go for what they think they want, and I get left in the dust, while their relationship/marriage builds and eventually crumbles. I’m not here to be someone’s second choice. I deserve better than that. Yet I find myself desperately seeking attention sometimes, knowing that the person has already moved on.
The ultimate problem, as I see it, is the people who see all facets of me are normally people who I can’t, or won’t, be romantically involved with.
I can see why now my last relationship grew. We worked together. We had a chance to see all the facets, good and bad, at face value, without worry or fear of what the other person thought. It didn’t matter because we weren’t trying to impress each other. And in doing so, in being ourselves, we fell in love. I paused for a moment after typing that to reflect on the beginning of that relationship. I knew within a week that it was something special. I knew relatively quickly that I had my hands on something special in the few standout relationships I’ve had in my short life.
Most of the breakups were my fault. Now, whether they were or not, I’m not sure they’d all agree with that. But in my eyes, it was. And in some of them I wasn’t nice about it. I hate that now. I would apologize (in some cases I have), but it may not do that much good. Some have moved on. Some are still single. I felt like Karma came back to me when my relationship started to sour. Payback for all the heartache and trouble I caused. On a good note, many of the guys I…wronged…went on to find the person they’re currently married to. I find that ironic, but it makes me truly happy that they found happiness.
Deep down I’d like to think I’m a good person. That regardless of what I do my intentions are not cruel, nor done to cause problems. I’m probably the least drama-inducing person you’d ever meet. But once something is final in my mind, it’s final. When I try I can compartmentalize very well, and rationale takes over and I see the situation in black and white. The grey area no longer exists.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
Why am I getting the feeling I’m way too damn young to feel this jaded?
My ex and I have an agreement. Not a sexual agreement, a transactional agreement. It keeps us on relatively even terms so far.
I get home and find out he washed clothes at my house while his girlfriend supposedly stayed outside. There are so many things wrong with that sentence I barely know where to being.
#1 I previously said she is not allowed on my property otherwise our agreement is moot
#2 the key to my house is not to be used for anything other than emergencies or removing more of his shit from my house
#3 he fucking washed their clothes in my washer and dryer
I’ve apparently been way too nice too long. I was so angry I cursed while on the phone with my mother. I never do that.
But regardless of how angry I am, and how I feel my private space has been violated, it’s my fault. I’ve allowed this farce to go on for over a year now. And I’m done. It hurts because it shouldn’t have to be like this, but unfortunately he started it when he left me.
Step 1 is to change the locks. Just asking for a key back isn’t enough, as I’m sure copies are floating somewhere. Step 2 is to demand my property back and dissolve our arrangement. Step 3 is to walk away completely. Not easy by amy means but apparently necessary, since he feels he can use my home as a second home.
Have I mentioned he used me as a reference when he and his new chica were looking for a place to live together?
Yeah, I’ve been way too fucking nice. Let’s hope I have the strength and resolve to say all of this to him directly. Otherwise what’s the point?